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rileyann 
5:38pm, November 12, 2009
I am soooo moody today! I woke up in a bad mood, have been crying off and on all day...I think it's because the 4 week date is tomorrow evening...I'm trying not to dwell on it, but it looms anyway....sigh...I dreamed of Wes last nite and they were happy dreams...they evaporated as soon as I awoke and all I was left with was the impression that they were indeed happy dreams of Wes and I...I can't remember what they were about, it made me cranky that I couldnt' remember...I saw a twin of his car at an intersection today and that also made me cry...I wanted to buy his car but it went to his son...which was appropriate and I didn't contest the deciscion at all (he had no will that we could find)...but the car had alot of happy memories attached to it...I was sad to see it drive off the day of his memorial...we put alot of happy miles on that car...oh what I would give to rewind for just an hour to one of those moments and relive it...to pay closer attention...to be more fully present so that I could recall every subtle nuance and inflection in his voice and mannerisms...and etch them into my memory....it all feels like a fuzzy dream...those precious times of togetherness...out seeing the world together and riding along in the car...talking, laughing...listening to music and holding hands....
I"m angry today...I havne't felt much anger til now...just flickers of it here and there...I don't know whom or what I'm angry at...not angry at God, He is the one who knows the whole plan...His timing and wisdom is perfect...not mad at Wes...he earned his early retirment to heaven...he was a brave soldier and an extraordinary young human living in a poor used up body...maybe I'm mad at myself...for not realizing he was so soon to leave the earth...I should have went up when he was in the hospital the week before he passed, but he didn't want me to come up and risk losing my job...he didn't like to be babied when he was sick...but I should have went...I should have stayed with him that week and even if he had died while I was there, at least he wouldn't have been alone...so maybe I"m mad at myself for not going...I don't know...I feel that I let him down in some way...even though rationally I don't think I did...I don't know what I"m mad or angry about...I really don't....I will take a walk and figure it out.
Comments
Four weeks is a very short time so you should expect to be moody, cranky, sad, reflective, angry and all the other emotions you are feeling. It is OK. Do not beat yourself up for "should haves." We all would change things if we could. Hindsight is always 20/20. Keep up the walking!
nkodi
Hey Girl - 4 weeks - all I was doing was existing and writing to people to thank them for their kindnesses. Sometimes you have to rant and it's OK - Job was angry at God too. I am asking God that He will bless my latter days more than my former - why not ask him to do that too. You are right - He has His plan in all this and we have to trust and accept, however awefully hard and difficult we all find it. Love and prayers for you. John
JPFlynn
I was very angry at myself too. I keept thinking I should have known and could have saved him. These feelings were killing me. But I realized it was my attempt to rewind the tape so I could write a different ending. I can't. It took me a long time to fully acknowledge this to myself. Then I got mad at my Doctor who is a professional and should have seen the signs and ordered the tests. She could have saved him-another attempt to rewrite the script. I have to accept my husband is gone and that makes me mad. But acceptance has propelled me forward. I didn't want to get stuck there. There's so much more grief work ahead. I think the numbness is wearing off and you are feeling your loss. Pray your way through it.
tskks