slwaite's Journal

I have chosen to not allow my husband to lay the blame on me for his affair.  I have told him this.  He was the one who took my choice away when he had the affair.  He is the one who chose to be completely selfish.  He did not ask my opinion.  He did not ask my permission.  He did not THINK about the consequences.  He did not THINK about me or his family.  He was the selfish one in this.  He had continued to blame me for the affair by telling me that our problems (my problems) had caused the affair.  BS!!!!

There is no EXCUSE and no CAUSE!  He was selfish!  Plain and simply!!!  Well, now it is my turn.  I am not carrying his guilt.  I am not going to be his scapegoat.  I am going to take care of myself, my children and my life.  I am changing my attitude about how I perceive myself and about our marriage.  He will need to continue to prove his love and devotion.  His fidelity!!!  He has a lot to correct, make up for and apologize for.

I told him the above last night when we talked.  I asked him how he would feel if I had been the one to have the affair.  He said he didn't know.  I told him how it felt.  That you feel physically sick when you find out.  That it rips your world and your heart out.  That it leaves you not knowing how you can ever trust or love that person again.  I told him that life is short.  I already know that....came close in September of dying of pneumonia (was hospitalized for 4 days).  I told him that I will stay and work our marriage out but that another affair was not allowed or I walk for good.  There is no second chance on this.  I cannot and will not go through this again.

After having told him how I felt, I actually felt better and it seemed like my attitude was indeed changing.  I am not over the hurt or the pain.  I know I am not over the crying but today I felt the most control over my life than I have had in the last 2 weeks.  I hope it continues and I know that I will still have bad days but the days of him making me the guilty party are over!