RainiDaze's Journal

Don't get me wrong. I am still wallowing... it's like some twisted mindfuck triathalon. 10 mile run down Memory Lne, 10 mile swim through the sea of your own tears, and the last 10 miles biking past the broken dreams and hopes. Thoroughly broken and spent in the end. But in some way, better for it... if you're lucky.

I have spent most of my adult life feeling like nothing. Sometimes people took my confidence... sometimes situations. I never felt important or good enough. I thought I had broken away from that. I know that I came to California to start over and give MYSELF a chance. I think that's why I get most upset about where things are. I was getting better. I was making progress for me. Anyway, what I've failed to realize is that I am strong. This strength has caused it's share of problems -- being strong-headed has definitely brought me grief. But it is the only thing that has brought me this far -- my strong will has kept me from bowing out.

I don't have much to offer. And lord knows, I feel like I have virtually nothing to offer at this time... even if I did wouldn't have the energy to do it. My strength is all I have left.... and while I was wanting to save a little for me, I have to give him some too. It's the only good I can do.

Unfortunately, this strength often comes in the form of blatant honesty -- I have little to no patience for bullshit and lying and pussyfooting when it feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders. My gentle "suggestions" and tactful requests are out to lunch. I've dragged my feet and bumbled around waiting for people (several, actually) to tap into their own strength. I am realizing they just might not have it. So I am going to let them borrow mine.... clone it, do a few tests. Put a little strength in the freezer for 2012 or something. Use mine to find theirs.

It will not mean putting aside my pain. I will put it in the arsenal as wisdom... a lesson learned. I will share as much as I can, do what I can. I'm tired of always being the one to give. But I guess right now it's the only way I can feel good about anything, so I will. Some people are going to get their feelings hurt. Strength sometimes has a few casualties. But they will get over it....

And if this sharing of strength should fail me (I mean, it has before), I will simply have to take what's left of it and place it all in faith... and hope that god helps me pick up the pieces.