CielLuneEtoiles's Journal

Some journaller I am! Barely out of the starting gate & I skip a day. I just couldn't think of anything  worth writing down. That led me to think (yes...it happens sometimes!). Why do I believe that what I am thinking must be 'worth' documenting? According to what set of standards?  Reading & creative writing are my 'bag'. Many of my profs have told me that I ought to be writing novels. I always dismissed them as 'just being nice' or 'exaggerating'. Characters seem to manifest out of the blue, rip the pen from my hand & proceed to write their own stories. I am but the vehicle through which they express themselves.

Journalling, however, is a horse of a different colour. I actually have to do the work & figure out what the heck the character, aka ME, is thinking. How should I know? I'm busy writing! Not only that, I've upped my game. I'm typing whilst giving myself a French manicure. The delineation tapes are sticking out at odd angles from each finger & the white tips are drying. Most women just go get this done at a salon but I enjoy the challenge of doing it myself. The first time I attemped to do this, I painted half my fingertips white in the process!

Since I've begun coming here, many of the emotions I've repressed over the years stemming from surviving my husband's repeated 'episodes' have begun to surface. I used to be able to swallow them, making them vanish in a puff of grey smoke & recede deep into parts of my brain my conscious mind couldn't accces. I'd arrange my lips into a smile I did not feel & spout the day-to-day pleasantries of a happy person. After a while, I became so good at it that I actually bought my own bs! I guess Dr. Phil was right: you CAN 'fake it 'till you feel it'! The thing is, though, that the stuff you aren't feeling is in there clattering around like loose change in the dryer clamouring for attention. Now that I've opened the door, I want to feel it 'till I no longer have to fake it. How the heck do I go about doing that? There's a lot of fear, anger, resentment, confusion & ...well...more fear. Once I feel it, what the heck do I do with it? Put it on a shelf? Sell it on Ebay? Does it dissipate or turn into something else entirely like solace, understanding, insight & wisdom (THAT would be nice...). I realize that I'm hanging onto my marriage by my fingernails. Marvellous though they are, they'll only hold for so long. By remaining in, I know darned well that I'm setting myself up for another 'episode' in 2 weeks' time. How long can I keep allowing this to happen to myself? *Sigh* The possibility of seeing a therapist to discuss it is like a beacon of light singifying hope. Hope for what outcome? I don't know. But, as thing stand at present, I'll take all the hope I can get!

Hope the rambling didn't bore you to tears! Oh welll, if you look on the bright side, it's a great cure for insomnia...