rainnbo's Journal

After working the twelve steps 3years, 7 months ago, I thought I had made the required amends to those folks in my past whom I had harmed. Now, since I've had time and ECT treatment for my severe depression, I've looked at those amends honestly and even though I was so honest with my sponsor that she told me she didn't know how to handle my 4th step - However, I completed my amends exactly like she said to-  but, they were truly 'Fast Food Amends' - basically 'canned AA responses' not requiring as much deep thought as conversations like these should.

In the last months and weeks, I've made what I consider direct and honest amends which I think and have been told have had an actual impact and show that I really do want to and am working to change my life. It seems that the consensus before was that through AA I just wanted to clear my conscious quickly.

I've gone to my ex husband and very directly made amends for specific times when I manipulated him out of money, sympathy or time. I've thanked him for being a great father when I was raped and then turned completely to alcohol and drugs as my solution. I've thanked him for supporting me to his best ability anyway. I've thanked his girlfriend who has always been very, very kind and supportive to me. I've thanked her for being there for my kids. I made amends for being resentful towards her and asked her forgiveness. I've made amends with my ex about many other things and also made amends to my children and parents. I've told my ex and shown him that I am not here to criticize his parenting because I'm jealous anymore, I just want to know what is going on in my kids daily lives and more importantly that I trust him to do the right thing. He now sends me updates every other day. I support him no matter his decisions.

Mainly, I show all of them the example every day; that I'm willing to be there and show love and support. I offer to help with anything I can think of, fixing computers, this week taking my son's girlfriend to a dr. appointment and maybe taking care of her after a procedure - making dinner, cleaning, picking up her son. Spending any amount of time with them - at their age, that means on their schedule. Anything. They've responded by taking me to dr appointments when I need it (ECT and non-narcotic pain procedures), going to lunch with me, having mostly reliable communication (not so much with the oldest, but he is apparently that way with everyone - so I have formed a great relationship with his long term girlfriend).

Showing them the change is more important than making it.