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bgig1965 
5:08pm, November 12, 2009
Ok, I found a GA group meeting tomorrow. I have never been good at going to things by myself, so I admit I am a bit scared. If I don't though, I will just hurt myself further. I edited my support groups a bit, all of these are interdependent of one another. Once I would have said that my depression was the root cause, but I think it was the stressor. Gambling caused my problems, and it is directly to each and every one. I had a smart man tell me that I need to concentrate on one thing and not to expect a fix over night. I honestly believe that if I can stop the gambling everything else will start to come in line.
So let me analyze this. After my divorce I had my breakdown, which of course led to the depression. I used gambling as a crutch to take my mind off the depression. At one time I won alot, I mean I won approximately $15,000 online. Now my luck is gone, if I ever had it. I always figured I could win again. As I played and lost, I started running into financial problems which would bring on anxiety. Now I am late on my mortgage, with really no real hope of catching up. So I become desparate, thinking, this time I will win. Although I know the truth, its like standing outside myself, not being able to stop my self.
I know the feeling of shame is somewhat normal, at least from what I read. What I would like to know is the feeling of not wanting to live normal? Is it normal to think it is a solution? I don't know. I do know i am scared. I am scared of not gambling, its what I did. I 'm scared of not making it through this. I honestly don't see a future for me. It's like on the t.v. show "Flash Forward", I don't see the future. I am afraid they will find out at work and maybe losing my job.
I want God back into my life, but I don't know how to get my faith back. I prayed for the first time in over 6 months last night. You may not have noticed, but I had faith once. I was told by my pastor that my faith inspired him and other members of the congregation. I guess thats why Satan attacked and pushed me away. I want forgiveness but I don't if He will ever forgive me.
Ok I messed up my finances this month, not sure how I am going to make it, but I guess i will leave it in God's hands and pray for a miracle.
Comments
This is starting to look like a reasonable program of recovery......... Finding and attending a GA meeting, looking at your own part in the problem, showing some open-mindedness on the idea of faith, being willing to consider other points of view, looking at and talking about your own feelings and emotions, admitting doubts and fears (this is hard to do, I applaud you).......
Keep up the good work.
Something I was taught that helped me find some peace.........Learn to stay in today, to live in this moment........The past is gone, I cannot change it. In the past I find regret, remorse, guilt and shame.....none of these things help me. Likewise is the future, I cannot possibly know what the future will bring. In the future I find worry, fear, expectations and needless stress. Again, these things do not help.
I must learn to live in this day. Today, I do my best, do the things I can do, and leave the rest to another time, another place, or another Power.
eastwester