AMPelzer's Journal

By the third week, I was idling in my house and I could not take it being there. Everything reminded me of her. So I left and stayed over a friends house for a week just telling him everything from past, present, and the now unforeseeable future. It actually helped me to throw off many negative thoughts and distract me from the pain. He had a completely different perspective to how things should have been done. My ex and I spoke on a daily basis because she was worried about my health being that I lost weight so drastically. I am 5'8 was 155lb and now I'm pushing back to 140lb. It actually calmed me just to hear her voice even though I know we aren't going to get back together. I know it's just a mental barrier but it's hard being single after so long of giving those habits up. 

The fourth week she spent the with him at her parents house because she was getting new furniture for her apartment. On Tuesday, she called me over and just to hang out. Knowing her there's a reason she did so. As soon as I hugged her I knew she developed much more for him and she told me that they are soul mates. She couldn't understand why they clicked so well but from her perspective they couldn't stop. The next day he asked her to be his gf, and she agreed. Minutes after he left, she called me and told me the situation before any of my friends did. It hurt, felt like my heart was in a vice and my friend was staring at me when she told me this over the phone. That was one point I really did just want to break down and cry but I wanted to save face in front of him and not have him worry about me. That night I couldn't cry, don't know if I was in shock and just pushed my body too far because of anxiety of the unknown. 

At this point everything bothered me. Why did I make poor decisions, why didn't do things differently. I was fortunate enough to never cry myself asleep because my friend has super sharp hearing from his room. Quite scary at times. I hate the fact that when I wake up my first thought is of her. I am happy for her, it just pains me as to what was my place. Was I just there to help build her into this woman that another man can cherish. By the sixth week he asked her to marry him before he leaves to DR next year. She agreed because she wants to be the one he comes back to after he finishes medical school. I think I hit my tolerance by that point. I understand being upfront with both of us, I probably asked for this because I knew things were going towards this point far before she realized it. It's just bit hit after hit after hit. We hung up the phone on a friendly note. I wasn't angry, I felt numb to it all. Luckily, my friend started his old job with a new position and I was in his apartment by himself. I was watching a moving and the tears just started flowing. I wasn't crying in the sense of holding myself, just seems like it boiled over and just let go. I sat there for 45 mins just letting it out. Didn't feel relieved much until I cleaned his apartment. Something he doesn't want me to do because I'm a guest but I was willing to hear that argument. I finally decided to go home for I felt that I can finally deal with things on a lighter sense and had time to discover more aspects of myself.