ridingthewaves1959's Journal

* Something has changed within me, something is not the same......

It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity and you can't pull me down! *

   - Wicked

Since September 25th I have been swimming (laps) to get in shape, lose weight and feel physically, emotionally and mentally better. * I used to be bulimic (not that I have really ever gotten over it - I always struggle with my weight and figure in the mirror but I have a better handle on it now) and all I would count were calories and numbers on the scale* I now only use the scale as a base of just how much weight I am losing/gaining. It does NOT measure my self-esteem, my self-worth or my happiness.

Today is the first day I've stepped on the scale since Sept 25th to have a baseline measurement before starting my lifestyle change. I have decided to check my weight once a month.  If the scale is calabrated right....I have lost 6.6 pounds.  My jeans are loose and I can even pull them off my body without unbuttoning them.  Combining exercise & eating healthy foods and portions....I am doing this! I CAN do this!  Just taking things one day at a time.  I am not only doing this for my wedding that is alittle less than 2 years away but for myself, my body and my mind.  I have noticed I am more tired but in a good way....my head can hit the pillow and I can fall asleep right away.  Unlike before exercising and eating right, it would take forever to fall asleep or stay asleep.  I'm just trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time.  So far, I am taking a step in the right direction and if I continue I can progress in my weight loss, my healthy eating will help me to have a healthy relationship with food.  I keep thinking the only reason I am eating is to survive.  Not because it tastes sooo good.  Just need to eat to survive.  I now eat several small meals a day instead of three large meals.  It helps me to continuously nurish my body and feel good. 

Today is a new day and I can be athletic and healthy if that's what I want to do.  Nothing will stop me! I used to use the excuse - Well, I'm tired and being an obese person makes it more difficult to exercise.  But I realized, the more complaning, whining and excuses I gave myself the farther I'd fall into depressive eating habits (overeating the wrong things)  and gain more weight....continuing the cycle of I'm fat....I can't workout....Feel sorry for myself....Eat poorly.....No exercise.....Gain more Weight.  It is a vicious cycle that I am afraid of getting sucked into everyday when I get up.  All I know is, if I stop now, it will make it more difficult to get motivated again.  But seeing results, feeling better about myself and the muscle mass I am gaining makes me feel empowered to get moving, eat right and be happy!

And really, exercise does help my depression....I find the pool is my sanctuary.  Once I get my head in the water and continuously do laps, I lose count as I work out issues and thoughts in my mind as I swim lap after lap.  Before I know it, it's been thirty minutes and I feel I can keep going.  When I started I continuously looked at the clock....now I get in, look at the clock to see the time and then when I get out, I look at the time and like today, I swam for fifty minutes.  It felt great!!!! I am truly loving it and seeing results and even if I didn't see results I emotionally and mentally feel better!!!!

Ahhhhhh, I'm loving exercise - I never thought I'd ever ever say that!  Here's to my hardwork or the past month and for many more months to come....but who's counting?  It's a lifestyle change that I want to continue to do thruout my life!