depressiontini's Journal

So I made it through today.  It didn't start out great, but I'm trying to learn how to give myself a break when things don't go the way I hope.  There's no point in carrying the guilt around on top of everything else.

Once I started working, I have been at it more or less until now.  It's good to see that I can still "do" some of what I have to do; the meds have made it so I can concentrate.  But, old habits die hard.  If my fiance weren't home, I probably would have forgotten to stop and go eat.  But we did.  And I made myself go out with him so I would have to walk a little today.  And when I got back, I finished up the first project that needed doing.  I've managed to start on the second one, but it's midnight and the fiance has checked in on me twice asking me to stop working for the night and just start again tomorrow.  So, despite what I would "normally" do, which is just keep going, I am going to call it quits for now.  I got more done than I thought I would today, so that's a positive thing.

One thing I really WANTED to do was call my very best friend in the whole world because it's her birthday today! Well, it is here PST for another 5 minutes, it's been over for her for a couple of hours now.  I was feeling bad about it all day, but didn't want to call and inevitably talk about how crap I've been feeling.  So I opted for sending an email - which seems sort of lame given how amazing she is and how much she has supported me through our 27-year friendship, but, she also knows what I've been going through, so because she really IS the best: she said thanks and that she knows I'm thinking about her.  I am going to let the guilt of not having been able to muster the phone call today go since I am pretty sure she wouldn't want me feeling badly about it.  I am going to try to just look forward.

Tomorrow's a new day.  Maybe I can work towards getting up a bit earlier tomorrow.   I will just keep trying until it's not so hard.  I vaguely remember days when I would just get up and not have to think so hard about it, but through the fog of the last months, it's hard to remember how that looked or felt.