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vibrant1 
2:06pm, November 5, 2009
made it through that pocket of anixety...phew. Another reminder that idle hands are the devil's playground, lol. The I ching said "nurture yourself sensibly" Sensibly! That's the part I missed. Giving my energy is part of nurturing myself. I feel guilty and can't really relax and nurture myself otherwise. I think that's natural
I wish my mom had made me get a job from a younger age, instead of nursing my fears and letting me put it off until I felt like an alien to this world. Thank Goddess that I have this wonderful work, though. Every time I give a massage I realize it's awesome for me. The best thing, really. There is no reason I shoudn't do more of it. I'm taking the car I shared with J----, he can figure out his own situation. Then I can work at a spa if I have to, it'll be good experience, I am not that delicate. I'll work on building my own practice in the meantime. I mean there will be challenges, no mistake. In fact, I am very aware that my co-dependency absolutely effects my work. My boundary problems are apparent when I lose my body dynamics and hurt myself to try to please someone (deeper!). And lots of other ways. I give myself a pat on the back if I didn't hurt myself during a massage. I know it's not sustainable, I know it's not even helpful, and yet, still I do it. Amazing. but I'm getting better, though.
Anyway...feeling bright about my future today. Gotta roll with the ups and downs.
Oh, and I ordered a bunch of books on amazon: "Boundaries", and "The Mom Factor" (!!!) both by the same author, as well as Melody Beattie's "The new Co-dependency," and Byron Katie's "I need your love-is that True?" I am so excited, when will they come!?? It's like Christmas eve ;). I've got a whole recovery course coming, REINFORCEMENTS! lol. So hum, so hum, I am that I am, I am that I am. I am enough. I am love.
UPDATED GOALS
figure out what I want
Progress 20%
Encouragements: 0
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Wow, great for you! New Co-d sounds awesome, I love Melody! I am reading one of hers about the Listening to your heart, I think that's what it's called, sort of set up to read a page a day. Boundaries is a really heavy book for me, and the workbook that goes with it.
Massage sounds great! One thing I thought I'd always love to learn. A friend is taking massage therapy classes now, her mom told her as a kid "only whores do that" Now she's 50 and has empty nest.
Our Mom's do their best. Have you read Louise Hay's you can heal your life? I think it was there I read about envisioning our parents inner child and putting their inner child in our heart, what a powerful exercise. Or Barbara Brennan? I bet you'd like her, she wrote on "Light Emerging" and another one, really awesome stuff on energy healing you may want to check out.
Loved1
Thank you for your support :). Makes sense that Boundaries is heavy, I'm ready for it though, i think. Hahaha, no, "whores" pretend they do massage, lol. I'm glad she got past that. I have been seeing my mom's inner child and it helps me understand whys he does what she does. But I also have to acknowledge the pain and damage that being raised that way caused me. Interesting dance to try to have compassion for her and also validate my very hurt and angry inner child. It never should have been my job to care for her child's needs. That makes me feel resistant to putting it in my heart, but I do see it in her, and try to understand. I've heard a lot of good about Barbara Brennon, still haven't read her. I'll have to put her on the list.
vibrant1