Join Now
vibrant1 
9:31pm
okay, wow. Okay.
So I thought that what I wanted was; settle down with my new "beloved husband," start this healing center with him, live in community of yogis, healers, dancers, and gardeners, settle down, have a nice little house, develop my massage practice. I was becoming a professional, a public figure, networking, dreaming, planning events, teaching classes...my confidence was growing, I was starting to think I could do this...moving toward being a teacher and a healer. That was the plan. It seemed real nice. It exploded.
Husband turned out to be an addict asshole, we divorced, I left the little home, left the healing center, left behind the cute little car we shared. I curled up in a little ball and still don't want to come back out.
Then I fantasized about traveling the country, maybe the world...wooffing, drifting...permaculture internship? I don't f*cking know. Why not? I have no reason to be in any particular place...
Then that seemed scary, imbalancing, and wearisome, and I was given advice from a trusted mentor that I need to treat myself like I've sick for a long time. That made sense. I need a little nest, after all. Create a space just the way I want, with no one else influencing me...figure out who I am. I'm so tired of living under someone else's roof, and so being forced to follow their rules, live their lifestyle. I don't even know who I would be on my own.
I need a little nest where I can do art, yoga, and have lots of quiet time. Um...but then that started to seem scary, empty, and lonely. Suddenly, as I look at apartments, I feel really depressed. I don't care about any of these places, I don't want to live anywhere...who cares? I'll be alone. I'm afraid of living alone. I thought that was what I needed, live alone for the first time ever, and figure out how to enjoy it. But what if I just...die? And they're so expensive! Especially the ones that are near the things I care about. And I'll have to have a car to get to my scattered workplaces. I feel hopeless.
um...I'm terrified of actually living the "normal lifestyle" of working 5 days a week to pay for a car, apartment, etc. I've never done that without splitting everything with someone. It makes everything so much easier, finacially...and emotionally. Damn. But I think I need to experience doing it myself. Then I'm terrified of failing, what if i can't do it, what if i go into debt, what if...I can't succeed or make enough money as a massage therapist? Or if I get totally overwhelmed and burnt out? Or what if I get it all going and then realize I hate it, I've been tied down to all these expenses, and I want to be free, and I can't leave, AHHH!
This is me considering attempting to live a lifestyle that's way more expensive than I've ever done before, when my emotional health and self-confidence are pretty low. That seems like a bad idea. I'd have to start another business, basically, the success of which relies on my health and personal power, that people feel attracted to me and want me to share my energy with them. That seems like the hardest thing to do right now. But my other option is to get some crappy minimum wage job, which would mean I'd have to work my ass off, have some crappy boss, and still might not even be able to afford my own apartment...the economy sucks right now.
But I don't know how much longer I can stay at my mom's house, she is trying to suck the life out of me a little more every day. That's dramatic, I know. I feel dramatic right now. But i feel dependent on her, so that makes me feel like I have to bend to her will, especially when she makes it seem so logical. But I know it's her trying to control my life. I HATE IT!
I don't know if I'm weak, lazy, or if I'm just uncommonly sane, when I think I just don't want to work that much. I always thought it was stupid. I would rather just have less. 40 hours of my time a week? Jesus, what did I come into this life for? I don't know, I don't know. There was a time when I felt moved by love, that I wanted to give something of value to the world. I wanted to be of service. That was what massage therapy was supposed to be. But now I just want to sleep. I'm so sad, lost, and tired. Maybe I'm still detoxing from all the marijuana I smoked with J-----. I'm sure it had an effect on my motivation and energy level. Really, before we broke up, all I wanted was to snuggle with him. I think I might have been content to just snuggle with him forever. He'd just immediately fall asleep or try to f*ck me, though. I guess that's my love addiction...he probably feels the same way about weed. Just wants to smoke all day. feel resentful of anything that gets in the way.
So now it's just me, wandering...staying with friends and family, assisting programs when I can at the nearby yoga center (they give me room and board-yay!) trying to take care of myself, trying to understand myself, spending way too much time sitting on a chair, with a glazed stare, obsessing over this...a few weeks ago I felt strong and hopeful, but staying with my mom is making me feel like that limited, weak, sad little girl that she raised. I am so angry at her, at him, at myself. I just want to make the right decision already, and move forward. I feel like I'm stagnating, maybe I'm atrophying. I was excited about starting over, until I realized the practicalities. Ugh...
God help me. Point me in the right direction. I'm terrified and confused. What should I do? What do I need? What is for my highest good, and the highest good for those around me? Please make me see, please make me know. I just want to do the best thing. Can you make a pathway for me? Can you make it clear? I love you. Thank you for giving me food and a place to stay, and people who love me. Thank you for giving me freedom and books and support groups. Thank you for giving me tears.
Comments
God certainly does know why you're here and has given you so many creative talents, and a keen intelligence and wit and the energy to pursue your dreams.
Here's yet another book: Dark Nights of the Soul, by Thomas Moore.
You know the dark will become the light. Trust me. You WILL get your joi-de-vivre back. You will heal and get stronger.
Please be a little more kind to yourself right now. This struggle you feel is terrible and good. You are gaining wisdom through this recent breakup and its ramiifications.
Not to mention that it's November. What can you say about November? The days are short...are you getting enough vitamin "D"?
It sounds to me like you don't like parts of yourself very much right now. Are you depending on how others treat you to determine your self-worth? From what I've read in your posts, the way you write, the experiences you've had, it seems to me like you are a beautiful, smart, wonderful, generous woman. Don't sell yourself short. This is a support group and we're here to support you! I am excited to hear from you when you "find what you're looking for" (I've been reading Walk On - The Spiritual Life of U2 and have found it to be an inspiratation).
Are you financially OK for a little while until you find a new "nest"? Can you get away for a lttle travel? Are you trying to run away from yourself by running away from your situation? (I know that's an obvious pattern but I have to ask). Maybe a getaway is what you need. Might help you gain perspective.
It's OK to depend on friends and your support group there. Let yourself be loved and taken care of for awhile.
I trust God and pray for you and know you will be more than fine. You have everything you need to succeed.
Peg
margiesfriend
that's so sweet and supportive and insightful, thank you :).
vibrant1
Yes, really good comment peg- I'm gonna look those up, they sound good right about now. Vibrant, I totally hear you with the mother issues. Are you an adult child of an alcoholic? It sounds like you have so many amazing talents, and they will not go unappreciated- either by you or by anyone else. God has a better path for you if you are willing to be patient. You will look back at this and go, "ahhhh, that's why, I wouldn't have this if I didn't go through that".
Completely unrelated question...I've been doing yoga on-and-off for 10 years, in no means am I a yogi, I'm a "decent beginner". However, there are a couple of basic things I've never mastered. I did a "on-demand" basic yoga class on my tv this morning. The thing that frustrates me is when I am in downward dog and am going into warrior pose (i.e. one leg straight behind me), when I am trying to move my other leg under my body to get it in between by hands on the floor, I can't do it. Is there a science to doing this, or does it just require strength that needs to develop? Mind you I am very tall 5'11" and have always found it hard to move my legs around easily. Thank you!
lovethyselffully
interesting, I'm not sure what's going on with your leg from here. Maybe it is that you just have very long legs. But it's totally fine, if you need to make an adjustment for yourself, every body is unique and beautiful :). As long as you're feeling your body, and being present, you are doing it right. Not all yoga teachers would agree with me there, but my practice is more about internal yoga and the healing that it brings to the mind, spirit, emotions, and also the body.
As for my childhood...strangley no substance addictions, just people who acted like they had them. My parents were intensely co-dependent just on their own, without any unusual chemicals (besides caffeine and nicotine). My dad was sort of addicted to isolating and limiting himself and not dealing with the world, I guess.
vibrant1
You're gettin better. I like the idea of treating self like we've been sick a long time. I like trying to look at what I do have instead of what I don't. I also know for me, who is used to doing several jobs a year, to commit to one 5 days a week recently, freaked me out! And I had to use the "just for today" "one day at a time" tool to help. Because tomorrow never comes - we can only live in today and try to be present.
Thanks for the motivation to do yoga. I've fallen away and it's affected me very negatively.
Loved1
I liked reading that; "you're getting better." Thanks for the affirmation. It's true! I'm getting that message from the universe. The work pays off. Quickly, even! I am working hard. Trying not to work too hard. Thanks for the one day at a time reminder...that is key for me. Yoga rocks. It is why I am strong enough to handle this today.
vibrant1
Hey- thanks for the tip, I should probably go back to a class, there are a ton of studios around here, but what I read online is they tend to be clicky and that kind of turns me off- I would like to be sure that someone is hands-on and adjusting me (usually that's when I can feel it the right way)- but I get scared after not doing it for a while and feel like I have to get a little strong before I do it in front of people..lol..it's stupid I know (probably my perfectionist co-dependent:)- anyway, I am loving meditation, and now that I'm getting into that, I really want to meditate while doing yoga, I never really connected the two, and feel like that would help...
There was an amazing post that Grace posted with permission about a woman recovering from Codependency and found it really inspirational : http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Cod...
lovethyselffully