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Gari 
9:51am, November 12, 2009
My grieving defines me and I am afraid. Before I lost Max, I was a positive person. I believed in accepting "what is" and making the most of each day. It's now been a year and a half since Max's bicycle accident. While my grieving and sadness no longer totally consume me, they do define me. I am "the Mother of the dead boy" to those I meet on the street - so I don't go out. I either end up trying to cheer them up or being falsely gay myself. I am so tired of sobbing and having no energy. Feeling tired and lost all the time. Since I found this site, my pain has intensified. I feel I cannot help the other grieving people and I know how bad your pain is. I feel helpless - and that is not a feeling I have been accustomed to. I "lived in the solution" whether at work, at home or in my personal life. There is no solution to the loss of a child. Just loss. I am so lost.
Comments
Everything you say rings true somewhere along the path of healing. There are days when I take a break from DS, and days when the tears fall with every post I read, and every reply I write. Then there are days when I am inspired, or get a hug that touches my soul. But, make no mistake, you do help someone everytime you share your heart. Someone will take away something, for we are all here to love, to nurture, to share, to heal, to scream, to cry, to humble, and be humbled, to honor, to bleed, to break down, and to rebuild, but most of all in spite of our sorrow we are here to do what moms do best, offer our heart and soul to help another in pain. It is the "kiss the booboo and make it better" compulsion. And it is a beautiful thing. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Love and light, Rebecca
rcoco
Reading your entry was so helpful to me--it's also been a year and a half since we lost our son and I feel much the same way you do about this site, and venturing outside of my close knit circle of family and friends. I have also felt guilty that I can't seem to find the comforting words to help the other grieving moms here. As a family we have made progress and know that we will always miss Tim- the burden is getting a little lighter, but my heart still aches everyday. I have found it helpful to read here about other moms who are in the same place I am--that someone out there truly understands what I am going through and how I feel, and I hope that this little note will help you in that way also. The best advice I came across in the "grief recovery" literature was to immerse yourself in the pain, and then let it go. That immersion has often lasted several days, but I've always come out feeling a little stronger. It is an exhausting process, so be kind and patient with yourself--no one should ever have to experience the loss of a child.
Take care, and I send you a hug-
Diane
Di6477
Your presence here does help. Our vulnerability and sharing of our hearts is what we do best and you are doing just that. Your words may be the very thing someone needs to hear for that day yet couldn't articulate it or even know it was there until you expressed it. Love and Light and continued healing for us all. Your friend, Joanie
Livingjuicy
I am not very far into this and on some days..yes, being on DS can be a real heartbreaker....it does affect my spirits but hey, I am sad anyway so journaling has helped me and the feedback is helpful and comforting. I see different stages for each mom here....some are advanced in years of loss, some are new....it makes no difference...we have all lost our hearts. Together we are pitiful and worn....together we are each others encouragers to get through another day. And that is exactly how I deal with it...at the end of each day I tell myself I am one day closer to Heaven where my son now resides....whole, healthy, perfect and with his Savior. Some days I can be consoled by just knowing that but as a human mother...I miss my son. I know on some days I can also offer a little bit of whatever positive feelings I can offer...on the other days..I just cry and cry and come hear to purge those tears by journaling....it has been helpful. I wish you well and most importantly PEACE. God bless you, dear.....Dale, Brandon's Mom
Kingsdaughter
I've been in this place - the place you are right now - not wanting to see anyone who knew I was Shauns mom - it was awkward to say the least - from quick hellos, to hugs, to me putting a fake smile when they asked me how I was. At certain times I believe some of us have taken a break from the support system here, but come back, time & time again - because here is the only place you fill find another woman who can completely relate to your painful emotions, who will understand your feelings and not judge, nor remark that you should be feeling better. This is a long process; from the most painful event I truly believe that could ever happen to a mother - no matter who we were before our children died - the instant they did - put a void in us that can't be filled. The intensive grieve therapy I've started is slowly starting to work in positive ways - slowly - so rest, and take care of you - you're the only one who knows inside what is best - You'll be in my prayers sweetheart, God bless you.
Denimari
For some moms reading others journals is too much for them and it adds to their sorrows. Please do not feel like you have to help others...your main priority is to help yourself...to get through the lowest of times...to find a tiny bit of meaning in each day. I would hope that you would choose not to worry about what other people think...and they MAY NOT be thinking this at all. I refuse to let my tragedy define me. My sorrow, my loss of my son is A PART of me...it is not me. And...I do not think it has to define you. You have a life you can have hopes and dreams and joys again. I do want you to know that I did not feel like I could truly enjoy life again until somewhere around the two year mark...it is different for everyone...peace to you friend...love and hugs...Karen
biowoman
Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts--this thread has been very helpful!
Diane
Di6477
Somtimes it is very hard to remain positive on this journey. Sure, I think we all try, but then we all have times of feeling low again. You may not feel like you are helping others on here, when indeed, just sharing your journals may let another mom know that she is not alone in feeling the same way you do. Some days reading others journals just brings tears and sadness because we truly understand those feelings. But then we are lifted again by another journal of hope. Share when you can and when you need to and let others try to lift you when you need it. Hugs, Kim
KimRW
Thanks to you all for your thoughts above. I just wrote Diane that I've tried her "release the sorrow and pain" recommendation this morning. I had been feeling very blue for several days in a row and nothing was lifting the hurt. I was ready to feel a bit better but couldn't get out of my funk. So in my bedroom filled with light and rainbows from the crystals and prisms I have hanging in the window I said "Enough pain for now. I realease you." Stangely, I felt a lightness almost immediately. Thanks to you all.
Gari
Hi,
My first year after my son died I was in so much pain I did not really have experiences I only went through the motions of living. After the first angel date I started feeling again and that brought me to my knees and I am seeing the same thing in you. I became so very depressed and ended up on Prozac for a year to get myself together. I never in a million years thought I would end up on an antidepressant ... The problem is that we can get a chemical imbalance when we are depressed and the scary part is that we don't really notice cause it happens so gradually that we think of it as our "new normal".
Keep journaling cause that releases some of the feelings and if need be get some professional help. Hugs, Inga
ihart
I was in AA about 10 years ago, 100 meetings in 100days. The concept is somewhat the same, sharing your story with others. Unfortunately these stories are all horrific. But, this pain is known only to us and we can share because we all know exactly what the others feel. My 17 yr old daughter went to her first grief support group for teenagers today and when I asked her what she thought, she said" I did not even have to say anything when I walked in because everyone there already knew how I felt". And I think it is the same for us. We already know. Being able to have the most painful days and knowing someone else really understands is a little blessing for us. I am so glad I found out about this website last week because eventhough I am fortunate to have good supporting friends they just don't know what a painful experience this is. And will they be able to hang in there for the long run? I don't believe they will truly understand after a while that I don't "move on". But everyone here will. Today I had a good day but yesterday was hell. I no longer have expectations of what tomorrow will be like for me. I make a list of things I need to do each day and get excited if I can mark at least one thing off. It helps a little bit because my goal is to just accomplish one thing a day. I wish I could offer something wonderful but I am still raw in the new pain.
suzie31
I too and new hear ,but feel I needed somewhere to vent,where I dont wonder what people are thinking of me as the dead girls mom,my friends know the tears could come at any function,or time though I mostly cry when i,m driving and alone,to read your page sounded like I wrote it,and it makes me know that if outhers out there are feeling the same things then it must be the way it just must be.I also will try the sitting thing and I send a hug your way,tommarrow the 4th is my 1st D day and seeing you made it says its gonna be OK.
LAURIEamandasmom
We all share your pain and I'm sorry you pain has intensified since finding DS. Perhaps it's because there are so many of us that "feel" as you and to realize that others carry this sorrow too saddens us a great deal. I know when I see a new mom, my heart breaks. I wish so badly that losing my son would mean that no other mother had to lose their child. There have been times when I've had to be an observer rather than a participator because I have no words of encouragement to offer when I'm down. That's the wonderful thing about this site, it is give and take. You may need to just be a taker for a while, however, you are giving by expressing and sharing your thoughts with us, it reminds us we are never alone. Praying you have some peace soon and the spirits lift. Much love. Robin
Robin4
Sometimes our "helpless journals" are our most powerful ones. You write that you can not help others......not so my darling friend. When we share our heart, even those words that seem to be of defeat, we are in truth giving others persmission to express their pain and defeated feelings. You open a door and tell others it's OK to feel this way, it's normal. In doing so, you greatly help others, and help is also available for you. For others walking ahead of you can share that they too once felt they had nothing to offer, yet now realize they did, do, and will. You are not alone. You matter to us. Love, Teri.
RememberKala
It will always be a part of us but not all of us. We are more and we just have to find the rest. Not easy but doable. Sorry to met you here. Hugs Cathy
RockstarsMom