gillianaw's Journal

I have always found writing cathartic because, living inside my head, I cannot always express certain things, or share things without scaring people into thinking I am weird, depressed, manic or boring.    

I don't necessarily want anybody to give me any answers, but just to listen so that I can empty the mess in my head, spill the beans so to speak, into a metaphorical trashcan.

I discovered I have dyspraxia relatively recently when my daughter was tested at University.   My upbringing was very different to my daughters so that my emotional skills to cope with certain areas in my dyspraxia are lacking.

This weekend my house sale has fallen through for the second time - to the same guy!   Selling my house is so important to me, I need to get rid of debts and do something I want to do.  

Also  I have been working in a 6 months contract and and in the 5th month.  I don't know whether my contract will be renewed or not.  But, recently my dyspraxia has sparked something really distressing for me.  When I needed to do something at work, I asked and was told yes but then have nothing to do with it.  I can see my perception of nothing to do with it is very wide.  The instructions were not clear enough for me.  I needed a list of things that I could not do.  For instance, if someone asked me a question about it, should I have refused to answer them.  I have not done anything wrong, but find myself in an investigation for 'possibly doing something'.   I am so distraught as I have no idea what it is I 'may' have done.  I have an investigation meeting on Monday, and it is not the meeting itself that worries me, but the fact that I know I will be unable to sit there and not fall apart.  I don't seem to have any control over when I burst into tears and I feel such a failure when I do.

I am beginning to see how poor my perception of instructions are.  I try so hard to get it right.

My doctor told me I was too old to be referred to confirm my dyspraxia and how badly I am affected.

 Anyway, I am going to try and salvage my weekend to get stronger for Monday.  Swimming is on the cards today....

Gillian