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firefly1960 
1:21am, November 7, 2009
I had a really tough week-end. I cried alot and was so sad I could hardly bear it. I felt an overwhelming lonliness that I have never known before. I did talk to my husband a bit about it. He said he doesn't know what to say. I told him he didn't have to say anything just to put an arm around me and comfort me and to be understanding of my heart break. He said when he satrts to think about the accident he just pushes the thought back and tries to think of good things. I told him I try that but my grief is still too strong to allow me peace. I know he is scared for me. He said my eyes are "dead" they no longer have any sparkle. and of courste thee is the weight loss. I told him I am seeing the doctor on Thursday and I am going to contact Compassionate Friends and try to attend their next meeting. I hope he will go with me I don't want to go alone.
I was given a paper :
BILL OF RIGHTS FOR THE BEREAVED
1. Do not make me do anything I don't wish to do.
2. Let me cry.
3. Allow me to talk about the deceased.
4. Do not force me to make quick decisions.
5.Let me act strange sometimes.
6. Let me see that you are grieving too.
7. When I am angry, do not discount it.
8. Do not speak to me in platitudes.
9. Listen to me, please!
10. Forgive me my trespasses, my rudeness, and my thoughtlessness.
I wish everyone could have this list so they would know how to act.
To this I would add:
Stop saying your sorry; because you didn't do it.
Stop asking how you can help, you don't mean it, and there is nothing you can do.
Stop avoiding me like I have the Flu.
Don't tell me to get over it and to move on.
Don't tell me you understand unless you have truly been here.
Stop telling me to think happy thoughts and move on, my grief is too strong for that.
Please give me lots of time...
Allow me to be alone when I need to be.
Be there when I seek comfort.
Keep telling me what a great guy he was.
talk to me about your memories of him.
Understand when I can't do something.
Please don't question me.
People have compared my loss to their grandparents, siblings, friends, parents, and even a DOG!!! I really wish they wouldn't tell me they understand because they have lost one of those. It is not the same I too have lost grandparents, father-in -law, best friends, and a dog...trust me it is not the same you did not give birth to these and then raise them up. Losing a parent is probably terrible too. Losing any one is and I am not saying their grief is not terrible, have not been there yet with Mom and Dad. I am saying everyone grieves differently in different circumstances. I AM NOT discounting anybodies grief. Grief is what it is. It is mean and nasty but it is something we have to learn to live with.
I talked to my Aunt Mary...she lost three sons and a husband. She said I need to find something to make me happy then focus on it. As she said this I seen tears glistening in her eyes. Isn't she good at hiding her grief! I hope to hide mine like that one day if that is even possible.
Better pull my Coat of Armour on and get myself off to work. Find things to keep me busy and just get through the day. I used to love my job and now I can barely even go. They have cut hours and the hours they give my employees are half what they were last year. My department has doubled in size!! I told my boss he was working me too hard for being in my state of mind. He has been sending me help.
Dear Father please help all of us to get through the day. Give us strength and help us to find the comfort we seek. Please Lord hug our loved ones and embrace us also in your love. Protect us all and know we do love you and are grateful for everything you have done for us; Even if now we may not seem to be. Forgive me Father for my sinful ways and protect me from all evil. I pray in Jesus' name. Amen
Comments
So many steps you are taking. You talked to your hubby, you are checking in to Compassionte friends, you are going to the doctor, and you spoke to your boss. You are doing more than you give yourself credit. You are trying to move forward and that is all you can ask of yourself. As far as others who compare your grief to theirs, it's difficult, but ignore them. They don't understand, nor do we want them. All we can do is try to educate them if they are open and interested. If not then that's OK too. My hubby "tucks" things away too. I'm getting much better at doing that, but in the beginning, it's not so easy. Hang in there and take care of yourself. I'm proud of you. Love to you. Robin
Robin4
I am glad you did try to talk to the hubby. I know at times, you may think he is not hurting as badly as you are, but I am sure he is. I'll never understand why men are so afraid of showing emotion's.
You may want to check out a program hosted at many Church's. It is called GriefShare. It has helped me so much. Just to be able to be face to face with someone that understands. Maybe all have not lost a child, but some have. If you want to check it out, their website is griefshare.org
I hope you will check it out and that you will have a pleasant day.
Hugs, Barbara
doxylady
Julie, you are taking all the right steps by talking about your grief, plans to go to a Compassionate Friends meeting (TCF), etc. In one of our TCF meetings, it was about different ways of masculine and feminine grieving. I'm sure your husband misses Matt as much, but is just grieving different. I think by releasing your tears, it is so much healthier. I cried all the time. My husband in the beginning tried to be so strong for me and held a lot in. Then all of a sudden be broke, he was sick, depressed and could hardly function. When he finally started to release it, I think is when he started to heal. You are so right....there is no loss in this world greater than losing your child. I lost both of my parents, who I loved dearly and was very close to and it was hard. I miss them terribly, but that loss could not compare to the pain of losing my child. Your grief is just so new and all that you are feeling is so normal. I promise you, while it will always leave a void and a heartache, and it will probably even get worse before it gets better, but it will start to get a little softer. Please hang in there and know that you are not alone. Hugs, Kim
KimRW
It is so hard to function after the loss of a child...people have no idea...and we would not want them to. You need to focus on what is best for you. People say the wrong thing...people say nothing because they are afraid they will say the wrong thing. We have to forgive them...they just don't know...we can correct them...educate them...but only if it helps you...if not then just nod and go on. You are doing good...I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are...the sorrow is just so great that you can't see. Moment by moment my friend...love and hugs...Karen
biowoman
Thank you for caring Barbara, I will check out that web site. God Bless you all~Julie
firefly1960
Every book I have read thus far says if you need to cry all day - do. If you cannot get out of bed- don't. I spoke to my husband today when he came into the den and said"OMG your crying again!" I explained that I am not able to just go on like he is trying to do. I begin a grief group on the 22nd but he does not wish to go. I read 1 grief book per day which keeps me occupied with good information, even though sometimes I cry after reading them. But they say this is the grief process and I know I am not crazy. Knitting is supposed to keep the grief at bay for hours. Something to do with the concentration it takes and using your hands. This I was told by a woman who thought she would NEVER knit! She did not think she could focus enough to learn to knit but said it was the best thing she ever did. I might give it a try. It has only been a matter of weeks for me since my daughter passed and already some people are telling me I have to move on. I don't answer the phone or return texts when these persons call back. I have no need for them and neither should you. We all go through this at our own pace. You are taking the steps -take baby steps I was told -to help yourself and that is good. This grief and sadness from losing a child is not even something I would wish on my worst enemy. There are days when I think I won't make it through but somehow I do. I will be thinking about you tonight love and hugs Kay- susie31's mom
suzie31
Kay I feel like I just read my own thoughts. I have my up days and my down but am determined to get by.
Love to you!Julie
firefly1960