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firefly1960 
1:21am, November 7, 2009
Nine weeks ago today I recieved the dreaded phone call to go to the hospital. That morning when I woke I had three healthy children. Now I only have two live children. It is hard to comprehend. I have to tell myself it is real all the time. I have to convince myself that I am not walking in a nightmare. I am trying so hard to move around this situation. But I am weak.
I told my husband that I feel like I am under attack. I am fine for a day or so then BAM!!! I am not. The grief just overcomes me and I can't always ward it off. I am getting sick and can feel it. Just wish I could afford to take some time off from work and heal. You know cry, eat, sleep, and cry some more. Work prevents me from mourning. When I feel the need to cry I have to ward it off and by the end of the day I am beat.A girl at work told me I was beginning to resemble a bag of bones. I said "Gee thanks that's what happens when you bury your son". I know I have lost a lot of weight. My daughter-in-law has went from a size 7 to a size 0. All in nine weeks!!! Grieving just isn't healthy for a person.
I find that people annoy me a lot now. I have no patience. At work we are getting more freight in then we ever have. They have cut my help and I am doing all my floor work alone. My manager has been coming and helping in my department. And he is on my nerves so bad I can't stand it. I want to tell him to get the heck away, but I know I can't do the work myself right now. In retail they aren't suposed to cut hours in November. That comes in January. It is terrible, they are working me to death at a time when I can't emotionally handle it. But what does a person do when they have bills to pay and have to do it? I am going to end up in the hospital because I am exhausted. Someone told me to drink Ensure and I started to an seen it was 10 bucks a 6 pk. Wow!! Too rich for my blood.
I still feel panicy all the time. Pain in my arms, back, and legs. I asked my boss if I could take a few less hours and he said he would see and has never looked into it. I need time for myself. Time to take care of me and not the world. Christmas is coming though and I have 8 grandkids to buy for so I need the money. Why does everything in life have to be about money?
Matt's had two doberman. One lived here and the other with him and his wife. Chance got killed the Sunday after Matt was buried. His other doberman Mika just gave birth to ten beautiful doberman puppies. Chance had bred her right before he died.
There was a car accident involving two young guys in our town. They had been drinking all day and hit a mail box and light post. One was lifelined by helicopter to Champaign Il. The other taken to Terre haute, In. Everything just sprang on me again. I am a little ticked off though because the day Matt died he couldn't be flown because of fog and we looked up and saw nothing but blue skies. The Helicopter here landed in a field in the dark to get this guy last night and it was windy.
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Help my Daughter-in-law
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ohdear, you sound exhausted and emotionally and physically drained. :( Do you have a family Dr you could talk with? You need to get some rest, even a few days off might be a help. Sending positive thoughts your way
Hugs
N
NormaMc
All of these emotions are normal sweetheart. Loosing patience with people is a big one - and anger, exhaustion, body hurting are all the things we do feel with grieving the loss of our children. I wish you could get some food in to you - I didn't know Ensure was so pricey - perhaps a different approach - like milkshakes - and some vitamins - you can't loose your strength & of course you feel weak, not just physically but emotionally as well. This is all too new - let's face it - nine weeks is no time for a mother to grieve the loss of a child. This process is called a journey for a reason - it's a major life transition that came unwanted, and unexpected and knocked you off your feet. It's heartwrenching to read and acknowledge this pain within you - because I know these feelings of torment, anguish and barely making it through one day. Just know I'm here - with complete compassion and understanding to help hold you up on your darkest of days.
Money? You're right - everything is about money and it's getting worse everyday.
Pay rates are being cut, hours are being cut, benefits, so many people have lost jobs yet the prices on everything we need go up and up daily. It makes no sense to me and has no logic in it - but unfortunately it's what we have to work with right now - makes life harder. I so wish your company would give you more support than you are getting - "bag of bones?", not a very nice supportive thing to say to a grieving mother - and I didn't know about the helicopter, and I feel for you - having had a son that was committed to his work of saving lives - I know he couldn't always go with his first instincts - please try not to dwell on that - do what you can each day - and let other things go for now - take care of yourself - you are needed, and your healing process is in the first stages. God bless you -
love you,
Denimari
I can think of no one better to post a reply to you right now than Denimari....she knows all too well having to do what has to be done in spite of the pain. I feel for you so much. I don't know what to say about companies who do not nurture their employees during such a tragic loss. They never give sufficient time for grief....maybe maternity leave....what about grief leave....there should be such a thing. It is the humane and civil thing to do. I was thinking this morning that we have our child...mine for 29 yrs...and then we grieve for how long... the rest of our natural lives but the initial shock cannot be limited to 3 days or whatever the case may be. You will CRASH. Eating is usually the last thing on our minds for several months. So maybe you can make up your own concoction of protein drink with fruits...it won't be as expensive.
I will pray for you as soon as I am finished writing this. I do believe in the power of prayer. I do believe we have God to turn to in spite of our losses...we are never promised tomorrow. And the death of our children is proof. They were so young to leave this world but certainly God has his reasons. I can't pretend to even know those reasons. I just trust.
Your writing is such a painful story and I wish I could be there to help you out. I would do that. Or you can come here for a good cry. Because that is what we do now. Cry. As for your panic...perhaps you should have your doctor to prescribe Xanax for your panic...also, a good muscle relaxer will help with the aches and pains and help you rest. I am only telling you what I am doing for these things. Believe me, in the very beginning all I wanted was to be NUMB .
I hope you always know to turn to the DS sisterhood for your emotional support. There is always inconsistencies in life but ours is a given. Today will be quite different emotionally than tomorrow. Like they say, take it moment to moment. I wish you well and I pray that you can be stronger, physically and emotionally, too.God bless you. Love and hugs ....Dale, Brandon's Mom
Kingsdaughter
When my son died, I got three bereavement days. I was told if I wanted longer I had to apply for FMLA. I was already in shock over his death that not much more phased me. Foolishly I went back to work within a week. Much too soon. I'm sorry you are having to work so hard when your energy level is not keeping up. Economic times are certainly affecting everyone. I didn't lose any weight, I did quite the opposite.....I gained weight after my son died. I think because I had no interest in exercising anymore. Anyway, please take care of yourself. When you do get a day off, try to relax, get some rest and nourish you soul. You can try some carnation instant breakfast. That should be a little less expensive. Your waves of emotion will continue for a while longer. I remember having an OK day or two then right back in the dark place. Often you'll here people say it's like one step forward and two steps back. It does seem like that for a while. Soon you'll learn to accept those and not let them be a set back. You're still so early in this healing process. Please take care of yourself. Much love. Robin
Robin4
I wish that society really understood what a long and painful journey and the mom needs rest and fewer responsibilities and time...so much time. I think that IF you cannot stop working that you take advantage of the time you do have, by doing the things you mentioned...resting, crying...grieving. And, you may have heard this before but...you are now on a rollercoaster ride...ups and downs all the time...rights and lefts...the ride does become more gentle...but it seems to be something we will always ride. Love to you...Karen
biowoman
you are all so supportive Thank you for all of you words of wisdom. God Bless you all.
firefly1960
Being fine for a day or so and then it hits you so hard again.........this is definitely the way this journey goes. Grieving over your child is so hard on you emotionally and physically. It totally drains you and it is even harder when you have to go to work and have to hide those feelings. I did the opposite...I gained weight and now that depresses me. But try when you can to find the time to release your pain...either by crying, resting, sleep, cry some more...whatever you need, but try to take some time for yourself. I promise it will start to get a bit easier later on, but it does take awhile. Sending you a hug and praying for some peace for you...Love, Kim
KimRW