ccdo's Journal

i dont know what to do anymore im in complete bits with heavy emotions cloudling my judgement in everyway possible. noone will understand listen or even care bout how dreadful im feeling and how out of control im becoming. why is this happening to me? life was good a few weeks ago and now BOOM has changed to tragedy 

im not gonna lie anymore but im highly dangerous to myself in every way possible to the point where im capable of slitting my wrists if i put my mind to it and drinkin myself to oblivion without knowing who i am anymore 

ive said to someone in order for others around me to be protected from my dangerous attiude and agitation and what i will do to myself or maybe them i need to get rid of myself first and then they will not need to worry bout their safety anymore im sure of that or i could go into hospital to be heavily sedated for a few days but that aint happening cause my doc is too busy to even listen to her patients or even care what happens to them 

i dont want to die i really really dont want to but with the way im feeling these days it might come to that because my emotions and feelings are so extreme that im being pushed to doing things to myself to stop it and when i do i keep goin and goin till im free and released from the agony im feeling 

what if i go to far one day and nonone finds me as a result how do i explain to them that ive been reaching out for help and practically screaming to be heard and saved from myself but they just ignore and say to me your just having a bad day etc it will pass thats a load of bullshit complete bullshit 

ive been down this road to many times to remember and i know when things are spiralling out control and they are right now and noone is there to pick me up when i fall is so so sad that im crying right now for help and answers to what the heck will happen to me if things are not dealt with respect and understanding 

now im keep tellin myself no no no keep fighting the urge i so badly wanna do it rigth now but too scared of what im might or not might achieve 

please someone out there please help me im absolutely desperate im fighting for survival but i dont know how long i can hold this up for 

please dont be judgemental or cruel its bad enough that my family are treatin me like shit with mental abuse and manipulation and ultimations 

dont think i can go on anymore sorry its too too hard and painful to cope 

ill just go smoke my brains out away from everyone and be with me for as long as i want 

HELP!