Back in May found out I had pre-cancer …
Back in May found out I had pre-cancer cells of the cervix. Had a leep done and biopsy said it was borderline... In …
Join Now
Lexiconfused 
3:22pm, October 28, 2009
Satruday, November 7, 2009
Saying hello to another day of being me. Another day of waking up feeling like i want my world to end. Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I cant do this anymore. I need help that i can't get right now, something to do that i can't find right now, and something to live for, of course i dont have one of those. I thought that, perhaps, Mace was enough. Perhaps he could keep me sane, keep me wanting to live and be happy, but i'm slowly slipping..further and further into darkness. No one understands bc, around me, no one cares. I have a hard time even believing Mace cares.
I really just want to tell him to move to his Grandmothers'. I want him to be there, so he is not here with only me. I want him to be away from me, so that maybe he can have a chance at finding someone better. I'm not saying i'm a bad gf, it's just im not even his type. He told me that from the beginning..but for some unexplainable reason im still everything he wants. Either that or he just doesn't feel like being homeless, so he's tolerating me. IDK. Im so confused right now.
Part of me says, "Lexi, you know he loves you. So stop it! You are his everything, he can't even fall asleep unless your by his side (and it is true!). He would never hurt you. He as cried with you, laughed with you, and you have been so connected ppl think you have been together for years, rather than only six short months". But the other part, the part that wants to let go, just wants to..let go. "Hes not worth having your heart broken again, to feel the pain of losing someone you love so much, when it finally does end, bc you know its going to, bc nothing lasts forever. Forever..HA...He promises me forever everyday. But forever seems like forever from where im standing.
Comments
You might also like ...
Yesterday 12-14-06 went to work …
Yesterday 12-14-06 went to work but had to leave early as I just felt like I was gonna fall over with my heart racing. …
well all seemed okay this morning …
well all seemed okay this morning till about 9:30 am I felt a little strange thought it was from the medications so I …
It is forever, that's why today is all that matters. one thing at a time, my friend.
Humunculus
I wish you didnt need to go through this but maybe you have to, Let me explain, like to overcome the way you feel, you have go go through these feelings and life is pushing you to make your way out of this, in a way I think you are brave Lexi, it would be easy for you to say I have got a great bf and yes life may not be great yet but its great with him. However im going to contradict myself now, maybe your thinking too much. again talking is going to help because a lot of what you are saying is what you think and no matter how much you know Mace you may not truly know how and what he is feeling.
If you want him to move to his grandparents, push him, sometimes you have to do things which you dont want to, its hard, maybe talking to a therapist may help to get this out there, there are some underlying issues i feel, maybe with trust or with commitment.
I just feel its hard now, but you will make it through, do what is best for you even if it means heartbreak. im with you all the way, thinking of you......
ShazzerInc
I think you are trying to push Mace away......if you think that you want away from him and if you think he doesn't care......then you are looking for reasons not to be with him. Is he the right guy for you......I don't know......that is your decision, but you seem to be pushing him away more and more in each journal. I think that you do truly love him, but I also think you are too afraid to really open up to him. I think that you are so afraid to tell him what you really feel, and you don't want to become vulnerable by him knowing everything about you. If he know all of the stuff that you keep from him, that it will be tougher to let go if he does break your heart. Sometimes you have to take a chance........don't let fear control you.
rennikc