Lexiconfused's Journal

Friday, November 5, 2009

 

It just keeps going in circles. Last night ironically, i tried a new drug. My fiance has tried it, and when my dad brought it home, under discretion, as far as my mother was concerned, we tried it together and went our separate ways. Now this drug is supposed to make you see pretty colors and laugh at clouds, i laughed at the clouds alright, but my relationship was also put into perspective. This drug seemed to make me think..about reality instead of fantastic head trips. I thought about my fiance sitting across the deck from me, no further than 2 feet away, and just smile and looked at me when i said i love you." I thought about his funny behavior, "oh its hard to explain, its a picture thingy", when i asked him what the comment that my cousin sent him said. I thought about how happy we were, when we found out that he was Top Member on his MMA sight, and how that made him feel accomplished and motivated. True happiness is what i saw when he found that out, then the bout of ignorance that came after it killed my night. I suppose he was off in his own little world, he was online for an hour and didn't say more than two words to me. It's safe to say im confused now. It's safe to say, that i think, i am rethinking this relationship thing. He talks about spending forever with me, and he cant wait for the day when i have his last name...but everytime he says that...i want to roll my eyes. Why is that? I already know that i can be the best girlfriend, understanding, willing, fun...but when it comes to trust and believing wether or not your cheating...im not. I cant trust enough to ever be okay ina relationship. I CANT. I want the companionship, and the love and comfort of a relationship..but i dont want the drama, i dont want to have to lay awake at night wondering what, or who, he's thinking about. I cant do this. The only reason i know that im confused, is bc i called my X last night. I had to hear his voice, for a second even, and when he said "Hello" my heart skipped and started beating out of my chest. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I wanted to scream i miss you! instead i just said it, calmly. His voice is the only voice that could ever make anything okay. Now, i am over him, bc the thought of him with other girls doesnt drive me crazy anymore, but a part of me still loves him, i spent 4 years with him..that's gonna happen. 

 

I love Mace and he is really great, it's just idk if im ready for this merri-go-round to hell. Im happy then sad, happy then sad, good then fucked, excited about everything, then hating the world, In love, confused, in love confused...its getting to be too much and i cant handle it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!