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Lexiconfused 
3:22pm, October 28, 2009
Thursday, October 28, 2009
So where do i begin? Im just not feeling like myself today, then again, i never feel like myself, bc i dont know who i am. I just wish figuring out myself could be easy like figuring out others, why cant i just look in the mirror and study my behavior as i watch others....i have and heres what i have so far...
Im bossy, a bit controlling, i am self centered, but only to ppl who deserve it, i take shit until i cant anymore, and then i explode. i have had mental breakdowns in which one i broke my finger and collapsed on the floor, so im a little crazy, i think, i cant control my adrenaline when i get pissed, like yesterday i almost beat the shit out of two guys in front of two cops, bc they accused me an mace of kicking the backyard fence, that they're dog broke through, i wasnt myself, he called me a fuckin bitch and i went off. So i have very little control with people who fuck with me. I have split personalities so thats probably why i was so mad, then couldnt remember shit afterwards. I dont like being mean, but i do to get by, and show people that they arent going to get away with being bitches to mea anymore. Im scared of water and clowns. Im weak when it comes to love, i am the best damn liar you'll ever meet, but again i only lie to ppl who give me a reason, or lie to me first, i can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I love infinitely and if you break my heart you will never see it. I keep my emotions wrapped up inside an when someone breaks through it drives me crazy, i shelter my feelings and even when i NEED to be alone and have to tell my fiance to just leave me alone for an hour or two, it kills me, cuz then he knows there's something wrong. Im not the kind of girl to run off just to see if you'll follow, but i will run as fast and as far as i can to get away from you or your questions, or emotions. I dont like to talk about serious things, when someone told me my fiance was trying to get with them, and he wanted to explain himself, i shut down, forgot about it, and pretended that it never happend. The thought of living scares the hell out of me, i am not sure if i can ever grow up, im not sure if im stop needing my mom in the next room, even though she gave me hell for the first 13 years of my life, she's my best friend now. Im immature but more mature than some ppl i know, i want to do everything but in reality can do nothing. I worry to much, i cant get through the day without worrying about something. I need love but then at the same time i am terrified of it, i still have not given my complete heart to my fiance, bc i will always have one foot on the ground.
I am insecure, very insecure, i dont trust anyone that i know, i dont trust anyone for that matter. I know ppl are capable of anything and everything and im always wary, so when they fuck me over, i wont be hurt or shocked. I guess you can say i wait to get screwed over, and when it happens, it happens, and its done. I suppose that works the same for mace, Im waiting for him to break my heart, i know its coming sooner or later. I sing when im depressed, it helps relieve my pain when i dont want to draw blood. I burn my self, i dont cut anymore, but i burn shapes and stars and moons into my arms, and they look really cool, but i just did a peace sign and its really infected haha, so im just waiting to either die or lose my arm, jk, but i feel that way.
i havent completely figured myself out, but what i have found out im a troubled person. i just want put all the pieces together and know who i am.
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What an interesting journal and have learnt more about you. With age you will mature and begin to learn more about yourself, im sorry your in so much pain, I can relate to a lot of things you say. You are trying to find a place in the world, you are who you are and be proud of yourself, we all have our weaknesses, we all have our good and bad times. One thing that I can relate to, of course not in a similar position like you say you are waiting for Maze to break your heart, you are waiting for people to let you down. Thats a product of what you haave gone through. here is a hug from me.....know that im here.
ShazzerInc
I like what you wrote here.......in the way that you are expressing how you feel and what you expect from people. I understand how hard it is to trust people, and show them any feelings or sign of weakness. It is nice that you are able to open up a bit here and try to explain who you are and what kind of help you are looking for. I like the fact that you want some help and in a round about way are asking for it.
It sounds like you want to open up to Mace more.....but you are afraid that if you do you might end up pushing him away. I think you are afraid that if he know all your issues and thoughts that it might be too much for him to handle. Well just bring things up one at a time and take your time explaining them to him. Also explain the time that you need alone, do not make him feel like he has done something to push you away. If I was him I would be thinking that I have done something to upset you every time you wanted to get away from me.
This relationship is about both of you, not just you. You have to communicate and you have to talk for things to work.
Trust is hard to have, I have a hell of a time trusting people also. It always seems like when you start to trust someone it is about the time they let you down. But we have to give people the chance, or we will never find out. I am around if you ever want to chat, ask away. My friends list isn't a list of just people, it is a list of people I really want to know......so don't think I am just going to go away and not try and be a friend for you.
rennikc