Lexiconfused's Journal

Sunday, October 25, 2009

 

So it is to damn early in the morning, 8:51 to be exact.

 

There are so many thoughts going around in my head. The other night, my fiance and me really saw our world as it really was, I was giving him a massage and i was like wow! your shoulder is really squishy! and he was like how bad? i told him it felt like a sponge, he just broke down in tears. that means that his shoulder is getting filled up with fluid again, which means ANOTHER surgery, which means more money, and time. He is an MMA fighter and has been out of the game for a while because he has a BB lodged in his head, well he has to get that removed, and get his shoulder done, before he can strat fighting again. He estimates another year and a half before he can even fight again for the first time. That really set us back, we have such huge plans, he's a good fighter, been doing it for 16 years, i call him kung fu panda! haha, hes amazing. With his talent, comes money, and lots of it. We want to build our own house in Japan, we already know what it's going to look like, custom everything, zen meditating rooms, a smoke room thats going to be all mirrors and strobe lights. He also says i get to build my own house in the bahamas, however whatever i want, i get to do it all. This all sounds amazing to me, but the reality of it is...will it ever happen. He has had such a bad couple years, shot with the BB, after his Med insurance goes out, left with an empty savings account, and no way of making money, kicked out of the house that he paid for all the bills in, and left homeless in texas in the winter for two months. Came back to California, where he had to live with several other ppl or face being homeless again. Then he met me and he got a stable home, a temp job and things were looking up...until now. Im so scared, sometimes i just want to say, you should move in with your grandparents till we figure out what were going to do, but he other half is like SHUT UP! this is exciting, and your facing the cruel world together, growing, learning, and loving eachother more everyday. But am i ready for this kind of commitment? I love him more than i have ever loved anyone in my life, and i could not imagine even one day without him. I knew i loved him and didnt ever want to go one second without seeing his face the first moment we met, how can i now? we been through so much. But on the other hand, if he moved out i could go to school were i wanted without worrying a bout how im going to support him to, i want to go to the art inst. of san fran, my parents would stop hassling me about getting a job, or making him get one. Things would be easier yes, but i would have to sleep alone, something that i cant do anymore, i would have to find something to occupy myself, bc i wouldn't have maison sitting next to me to entertain me. I wouldnt be able to look in his eyes, and his eyes are so beautiful, you dont even know how beautiful he is. 

 

I'm so confused...its all just a waiting game. all i can do is wait...wait to get a job, wait till he can fight again, wait for november when the scholarship decisions come through, wait to see what this scary, cruel, hopeless, amazing beautiful life has in store for me...