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Lexiconfused 
3:22pm, October 28, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
So it is 2:55 PM and im once again on the deck, feeling like i need to say something.
My issue today is my weight. I used to be really overweight bc i have had issues with food, and the whole comfort thing, everyone who has issues with food knows that. Love, Hate right?
I haven't had the best life, from the time i was 3 years old my mother like to put her hands on me and my dad like to sit back and watch. Sometimes join in. They were on drugs for a better part of my life (and i didnt even know that until recently) and they were violent and just not good parents, but i loved them and they were all i had, just me and them for 10 years. Then my brothers came and it all changed. They cleaned up, got straight, and never laid a hand on them boys. Which i guess, come to think of it, made me feel really really bad. I know i mouthed off to my mom, when i was 2 calling her a bitch and telling her i hated her, and i got shit put in my mouth, got locked inside my room, which i was terrified of mind you, and they are able to get away with murder without even being sent to their room, or punished. So i suppose that might have affected the way i thought. My mom not only physically abused me but she mentally abused me as well, saying things about the way i looked and stuff that i thought mothers would never say to their daughters, especially one who was bullied and teased so much in school.
So on top of having to deal with abusive parents and a horrible self image, i had to face school, and the mean cruel kids in it. I was humiliated, and abused every single day, for no reason. i guess i was a target, i was bigger, different, and white in a school that wasnt. I always felt different, and my mom loved to point that out. i always thought i was fat so when i was 11 i became bulimic, but that didnt do much, just kept me from getting to be 400 lbs but from the time i hit 15 i let my weight spiral out of control. i gained a hundred lbs from 15 to 18 and i had had enough.
My turning point was when i saw pics of me that my aunty took of me for mothers day presents for my mom and gramma and i did not realize how big i was, until i saw those pics, I looked like a whale in a brown shirt. I could not believe how big i was, and that made me realize that i had to do something about it.
I went to Arkansas, to see my boyfriend at the time, which was the road to my weightloss, but also the road to anorexia. Two whole months of eating less than a handful of food a day will make you not want to eat anymore, so its been almost 2 years and i have lost i think over a hundred lbs. I can feel that im smaller, none of my clothes fit, my bed feels bigger, and i can fit on things that i would have been to heavy for 2 years ago, but everytime i look in the mirror i see the same girl i used to be, the same girl that used to dream about being thin, i would imagine how my life would be so much better if i was skinny, how happy i would be...I could do everything i was t embarrassed to do when i was bigger, like dance and flirt with guys and be myself.
But here i am, the long battle is almost over, i just have another 20 or 30 lbs to go before im where i wanna be, i can see the end of the road, god its so close...so why am i still not happy?
The Fat Image will never go away, im slowly realizing, and i dont want that anymore, i dont want to think of myself as the fat girl anymore, bc there's only so much weight i can lose before i start getting "too thin", before i start getting unhealthy, and i know that i will get to that point if i dont start being able to see what everyone else sees. I hate being this way. I just have soooooooo many psychological issues and it sucks. Being me is hard when you dont know who you are. when everyday is a new challenge, a battle with your own body and image and it gets to be to much. I just want to be as thin as i can get without being unhealthy. I dont want to die. i just want to be okay.
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You did have a tough childhood. For your parents to treat you that way is why you don't feel right.. You were tortured as a child and your brothers weren't and you resent your parents for treating you that way. Your self image has been programmed into your mind by what your parents did......and you have to change that programming. I don't think you will ever be able to shake the image that you are good enough until you are able to confront your parents and tell them how you feel, then you will have to forgive them for all they did. It isn't going to be easy.
I know about feeling like the whole school against you, I felt that every day at school too. The constant teasing,fingers broken by someone slamming a locker on them, homework stolen, school supplies taken from my locker, I did not fit in anywhere. I spent most of my days alone, I hated that school and that town. My teachers would call me by my younger brothers name because he was popular.....so even the teachers seemed to be against me.
You have some issues to work through and I hope I can help you in any way I can. There are many things I hate about my past too, but there is hope and it is good to be able to talk about them.
rennikc
Lexi, I'm so sorry you went through that; you did NOT deserve to be treated that way. You were a little girl who loved and trusted her parents - like all children do - and they let you down. (I don't mean to judge your parents; they are not clean slates and I'm sure they have their own issues that affected their parenting, but you deserved better.) My parents were not abusive, but they did and said some weird things that led to my issues of self-esteem and not "being acceptable" so I can kind of relate; reading your story made me very sad. :( I don't know if it's possible to ever forget about traumatic things that happen to us, but I think it IS possible to make peace with it and move past it. (At least I hope it is; I'm still working on it.) I don't know you personally, but I do know that you take the time to come on here and offer us support and encouragement, and that is a wonderful thing. You should be proud. Hugs, Ali
AliKitten