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KendraRuth 
8:13am
I am so tired today.....I went to bed last night and tried with everything I had to ignore the pain, that however did not work, I laid there in silent agony while Justin slept next to me, for some reason the pain killer was not touching it last night, so I laid in total agony......As I laid there I started thinking about things, just trying to get my mind off of the pain that was coursing through my body. I thought about how angry I am that I have to go through this, again....how angry I am that I allowed a doctor to tell me a hysterectomy would take care of it and it would not come back, angry that I rushed into that hysterectomy thinking only about being free from the endo. and now how angry I am that this shit is back. I thought about how sad I am that I can not give the man I love more than anything in this world a baby, how I will never feel a life growing in me again. I thought about how mad I am that druggies and abusers are allowed to have babies and then me and my sisters at DS can not. I thought about how unfair it is that we even have to suffer from this disease. I thought about how I now have burns on my legs from the heating pad, I thought about the fact I am always drugged up anymore, to the point I can not keep track of anything. I am so tired, I am so exhausted.....Tired and Exhausted from fighting the pain, from trying to pretend I am ok, from trying to work in agony, from trying to just live a normal freaking life. I want to just sit and cry, I want to be held why I sob out all the anger, frustration, fear, and every other emotion that I am dealing with right now. I am very down and I am tired of hearing all those around me saying it will be alright, cause it is not alright and I am far from ok. I am tired of pretending that I am, I am tired of pretending that I am not in pain, I am tired of putting on the fake smile. I HURT and I hurt bad, I want to die sometimes cause the damn pain is so bad, I am just so sick of this. Is it ever going to go away? Are we ever going to be free from this monster? I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
Oh gosh, you really captured the frustration of this disease. I am so sorry your pain is back, and I wish I could offer up something that would just make you feel better, but I know most anything I can say will sound trite.
I feel the same... faking that you are not in pain, praying that this next surgery will be the one that makes you pain free, guilt about needing pain medicine and pain management. Big huge hugs to you. I am so sorry for the way you are feeling right now, and I hope you are feeling better soon.
jessart