magg0607's Journal

A friend from a support group killed himself. this sucks. and i really relate to him. and it scares me. b/c i really got what he was saying in group and how he felt and what if i end up dead in my car in a garage. Now i'm not going to hide it or lie I have thought about suicide b4. but everytime some1 committs suicide that i know i take a giant step back. He was only  27. he was younger and had a great life.  he had everything someone can want. I think thats problably what really set him over the edge. he had everything he could ever want... and it didn't make him happy. I on the other hand live in poverty and i get down b/c i dont have everything and we struggle and sometimes i wonder if we will ever have luxurious items.  but sometimes i wonder if that keeps me going. and if i didn't have that as a driving force would i just throw that towel in. thers been times when i felt so complete and life just felt so pointless that I have tried to kill myself. and i do look back and think  why do i suck so much that i coldn't even do that right.

tonights his wake and i want to go, but i only know him from the support group and i dont know if it would be right for me to go. and im not in the healthieest place right now on my own journy right now. my meds arent helping. i had to have them upped. i feel miserable. and i'm isolating myself from people to make myself feel better.

Its not the season or the holiday that is bothering me. what bothers me at this timeof the year is my own fathers birthday and suicide is december 5tha dn 9th.  and it sets me off. holidays and the season dont effect me at all.  im so dettached from this world that i live in that i dont let it get to me or bug me anymore. Or maybe i should say ignore/shy away/isolate myself from  it all so it can't hurt me b/c i can't take any more hurt in my life.

im 25 and i hurt so much that I want my husband to remarry and my kids to have a new mother and  i want to crawl up in a ball someplace and just die. I hate asking for help. I feel it's a sign of weakness. If i go and ask for help or tell ryann how im feeling that she now has controll over my feelings and i dont like that. I have to be in control. And i'm terrified to tell the real truth about my feelings b/c if i tell anyone how i feel... i'm gonna end up back in the hospital. And the last time when i spent 8 days wasn't terrible, but it was a waste of time b/c they didn't do anything but drug u and make u sit around.

I'm tired.