magg0607's Journal

About two weeks ago I got really sick! I thought i was just coming down with a cold.... and maybe a stomache bug. well..... I also thought it might have been related to my meds b/c i had just started taking them at full strength again.  Over the past two weeks I was in the emergency clinic 2x and the ER 2x. The first time they said they thought i had an ulcer. (i dont find this to be true b/c it's not bothering me anymore I think it was just a bug) and then the next time i went to the clinic They told me I had pneumonia! Holy crap. I made is 25 years of my life with out pneumonia and now all of a sudden i got it. It was awful! i dont even wish this on my enemies...... well wait.. maybe i do. haha. So I'm struggling through pneumonia and still taking my meds b/c i know that i just need to get through a few weeks to start feeling better b/c the week before i got sick was hell! oh boy it was hell! i'll get there when I'm done! Well I swallow my pills all at once the one night (dumb move I know) and they damaged my esophogus..... i washed them down with some warm water ... coughed ....sipped water ... etc etc.  well as a couple days go by  i still had this feeling of the pills being stuck in my throat. So bad that i was panicing. I ended up going to the ER and while haivng a panic attack and telling them I couldn't breath and something was stuck in my throat... the effin dr laughed at me and told me he could assure me there was nothing stuck in my throat. then he had his nurse inject some steriod into my arm which made my arm throb like hell! I had had it at that hospital... i asked for papers and I left. I went home and figured i could get through this. Well... about 2 hours go by and i couldn't ... and i tried throwing up some more... and I couldn't get it out. (stillthinking something was in there). So I went to a different hospital. This next hospital was a little nicer, but the dr also kinda chuckled and said he could assure me NOTHING was stuck in my throat or anywhere in my esophogus but he was willing to take xrays to prove it. So.... he did, and it came out there was nothing there. They diagnosed me as having globus syndrome. NOw this whole time i had pneumonia so i just came home... dealt with this throat sensation... and rested up.. i barely ate anything and i felt like crap. well...i started feeling better. APPARENTLY THIS GLOBUS SYNDROME stays with you forever! and it's triggered by stress which is why it hasn't effin left me alone all week! ( i just found this out).... I was like are you kidding me! all b/c i swalllowed my pills wrong one time i get this forever! It feels like theres a pill lodge at the base of my neck in my throat and when I'm really stressed it feels like the size of a golf ball.  I read that taking benzo's can help lessen the stress therefore lessening the feeling.... so thank goodness for my klonopin. I've been taking 1mg at a time 2-3 times a day lately.

Anywhosie the week before i got sick was bad. As i think i wrote on here. I had a miscarriage at the end of september. but i had a friend who was pregnant and due at the same time as me. She's still pregnant and while i am happy for her... it's hard b/c i should be just as far as long as her.so here's how that week went:

monday: pregnant friend found out she's having TWINS (i cried for hours)

tuesday: I ended two friendships that were completly awful for me. One being a snotty bitch who always put me down. And the other being my daughters godmother who my husband and I agreed we grew apart from. Even tho I ended these... it's still been hard b/c what they were doing was very immature to make me decide this overall.

wednesday I went to my support group meeting and my Mother in law who My husband I loathe started with me in front of the ENTIRE GROUP. so i had to talk to the group facilitator afterwards only to find out that he used to date her (thank goodness he doesn't like her very much anymore, but apparently he was at my house in the past playing cards with my husband and his friends) and my MIL's friend who was in the group was a woman who harassed me a few years back about my husband and I letting  my MIL see our son. (she had no right) so i felt really betrayed by all of that. I did recently get a phone call saying that they kicked my MIL out of the group so that I could come back worry free. I'm very happy about this. :)

thursday a long term friend from childhood that I USED to take baths with..... long story short .... huge fight over her quiting her job that my husband got her where he works and she's making him look bad. and my friend started with the "your crazy.. you have problems" so i said Eff this i'm done with that.....

and friday... i was so sick i  couldn't get out bed. I think the stress just wore me out.

Sometimes i feel like theres just way too much drama in my life.

But since being sick things have calmed down. bad friends are gone. I feel more at peace. A little lonely, but from what i'm gathering.... alot of people who are bi-polar do not have alot of friends. And i guess thats something that i keep trying to do. I want lots of friends b/c i'm terrified of being lonely.  so if i can just keep people arouund me then I'll be fine. I dont get that also tho.... b/c I dont like people. and i hate going out in public (alice in wonderland syndrome right now) and i freak out and have panic attacks from going out. So i dont get it...  i'm not afraid of death or dying or anythiong like that. i feel like theres nothing to look forward to in the futuere. maybe i'm just in a slump. Idk.