keeping's Journal

So where was I? Oh yes so I am still dealing with having to got o court in January and then my co-worker past away. He was a sex offender a liar and a thief. I never felt comfortable working with him and was usually on opposite shifts. I didn't treat him horribly just didn't interact with him. Not only did I feel uncomfortable but I don't like being fake and acting like we were cool when that was not the case. When I was told the he died I felt nothing. I don't know how I am supposed to feel bad about this when I didn't know him. This is the first time in my life that someone dies that I am not attached to. As the day went on I began feeling this weight on my shoulders. Everyone was talking about him and remembering him and I felt guilty for not feeling. For not having anything to add, but again I don't like being fake and felt like I had no place to talk about him. It wasn't my loss. I have been thinking about my life and who I would leave behind and how I would be remembered and I think that I have not made enough out of family connections in my life. I believe that God doesn't want us to only have a relationship with him but with others as well> I don't know how to change this. I do know that I am missing out on that part of life. I love adore my kids and they are first above all else but how can my life be complete if that is it? I want to enjoy all the blessings in life. I have always been shielded, always careful of who I share myself with. I don't want to give pieces of myself to so many people that I loose who I am but where is the balance? And how do I let people in without being hurt and how do I know who to trust? And when will I even have time to form these relationships? And do I have enough to give? I need to explore this area in my life because I don't think I will be complete without it. Don't get me wrong I do have a very few select amount of friends and have an amazing family. But I know I need more. And another thing how do I have male friends without feeling pressured into being more than friends? Cause I knwo that even though I need friends I don't not have any time at all for a boyfriend in my life. there are a few things I have to adjust in my life before I add a significant other into the picture.....