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chefpatti 
8:38pm, November 16, 2009
Well, here it is, another day. I don't know if it's my computer or what, but I wrote DS a
note and I haven't received anything from them or any of my "friends." That freaks me out,
thinking it's me and maybe I've been whining too much. I'm sorry if that is the case. Today my
mom had the carpet cleaned. It required me to carry some of the heavier things out on to the
porch, which I really shouldn't be doing as I had a hysterectomy in August. As we were putting
things back, I told her I couldn't do any more because my incision was hurting. She was OK with
that. Then she found out from a handyman type of guy that the roof on our mobile home needs
work done which will cost just over $400. Did that ever put her in a "mood." I would help with
the cost, but I pay her rent and half of it at that, so I don't have anything left over once I pay my
bills etc. I took the bus to church today to fold some programs for Sunday and it was good getting out. If you can believe it, it's just around 75 today. Such a beautiful blue sky. The walk to the
bus stop is my favorite time of day. I don't live in a very good area, so some times I get nervous and afraid. I carry a stun gun which makes me feel like I have a little power.
But, I'm usually praying on the way, and that gives me some peace for a while. I wish I could
have that peace for a longer time. David, the jerk, has been calling me all day. I haven't picked
up and I haven't called him back. All he keeps saying on the message is, "come over, I'll buy you
breakfast." How rude is that? He thinks life revolves around sex and he can't even put out!!! He
lives in such a fantasy world. Talks about the past all the time. Even his high school days when
he was a quarter back. I'm so afraid if I reject him and really tell him to get on with his life, he'll kill himself. He thinks he's dying anyway. His heart is skipping beats and supposidly his
doctors don't know why. How can that be? So, he's going to drink himself to death instead I
guess. I don't know how to dump him without being mean. That's why I've always been in
such sick, sick relationships most of my life. Especially the past 10 years. Controlling, abusive,
alcoholic, jealous men. The sad thing is I didn't come from an alcoholic father or mother.
Verbally abused all the time, physically abused a lot. So, I got out of my house at 18 because
I was pregnant and got married and that lasted almost 25 yrs. I left because I saw how
controling and verbally abusive that man was. It started way back in high school with him. I
look back and wonder, what was I thinking? He made me walk 10 steps behind him if I did
something he didn't like because he said he was embarrassed to be seen with me. Is it a
wonder I have no self worth? I've been told my entire life I am a piece of shit and all I am
good for is sex. As I write this, it's becoming so clear about David and I'm getting so angry.
Maybe I should call him now and let him have it. I don't think he would even remember it
tomorrow though. He needs to be called in the morning before he's really drunk. I'm still not
good enough for my mom. I can't please her because she is a perfectionist. I try and over
look that. I can only do what I can do. I need that walk and a blue sky right about now, but
it's dark outside. Maybe tomorrow.
Comments
You are so worth better treatment! It's because you are so caring and helping , that others will easily step on you the first chance they get! And I have found those who insult,abuse and degrade others, is because they don't think much of themselves. Now there are mothers who only want you to do your best and want the best for their children , that they may be too critical without knowing it. There is also the theory that you are who you hang around! I have always believed the saying (sticks and stones may break my bone but names will never hurt me ! My mother told this to me when I was about 6yrs old and not too many people have been able to hurt me with words since then! : )
orichila