brownie86's Journal

i sit and think aBout andrew and mom and jamie, and i cant cry aBout them it's as if im numB or un human. i miss them so much. jamie was my rock, my soulmate, my love. when he died i thought i was falling off a cliff face first for months on end and didnt know what to feel or do with myself. i pissed me off to see that NOONE But me learned from his death. heroin took his life and i got so scared Because it could've easily Been me. it just wasnt. and now the kids ask where's daddy. do i tell them how it happened? ofcoarse not. not this young, But what aBout when they are old enough? i think aBou the last time i saw him and i told him i felt funny aVOUT LEAVING FOR MOMS FOR THE NIGHT WITH KIDS, I JUST FELT SOMETHING in the pit of my stomach,i knew it. and on sunday morning i woke up and knew he was hurt. i dont know how But i felt it. i miss his tender touch and getting excited when he walked in th door from work. he always smelt like steel. i miss that smell. he was a great welder, i look at welds on rails  and elevators and smile. such a waste. damnit i miss him. i dont know why it's hitting me like a Brick in the face a year later, But i hate it. jamie has altered my life forever and i hate him for it. he has presented himself in another man that wants to date me. i dont know what to do cause i fell for him. did i Because he's is almost exactly like jamie, or Because i genuinly have feeling for him. i'm alone and i hate it. i want my mate, my Bestfriend, my pumpkin.

i think of my mother and the great relationship we had. she was the greatest mom and i took her for granted so much over the years. she just wanted to Be my friend. i miss her.  my heart hurts to think of her on that hospital Bed with tuBes in her throat. her skin was yellow and she was cold as ice. mommy was the softest warmest person i ever knew and there she lay cold and colorless. i rememBer seeing my father in the family room crying with a stranger. screaming no not again and punching the wall. it was wednesday and she was supposed to Be in the room when andrew was Born on monday. what was i going to do without her? my mommy. i miss her. i woke up that wednesday and went to go snuggle with her. i hadnt done that in years, and the morning she died i did. i wanna snuggle. i want my mom.

i think of andrew and get sad. i dont rememBer what it felt lik to hold him. when he was Born all i could think was man i wish jamie was here for this. he was the most Beautiful thing i had ever seen. he didnt open his eyes until my sistger Brought him over to me and i said hi Buddy im your mommy, and he rooted toward my face and opened his Big Blue eyes. the day he died  i put him down for a nap on my dads Bed. i went upstairs and played with aiden and laila and we were having a great day, dancing and cleaning and listening to music. i wne to check on him and his head was so white. he was pale But nothat pale. i remeBer saying fuck he's dead. i rolled him over and he lay eyes clesed and Blood coming out of his nose. i screamed and ran upsatairs. i dont know why But i calle my dad first, screaming hes dead hes dead daddy andrews dead fuck what do it do what do i do. i called 911 and pushed the kids outside. all i could do was scream for help. the neighBorhood was so qiuet that day when normally people were outside with their kids, or smoking. But that day. nothing. noone. everything turned Black and i hit the van over and over and over again. the police got there and pulled andrew in the amBulance. dead. he was our soldier. his father dying  at 8 weeks old. his mom mom dying at 40 weeks old, he survived all that stress. he had Been through so much already and he was only 4 weeks old. he got us through that first month after mommy was gone. he was gorgeous. i miss him. how could a perfect little Boy die from something that was nothing? 

my mind races and then quiets in seconds. i'm a zomBie. i go from pepped up mommy playing with the kids to nothing and irritated that theyre touching me and laughing. i want to sleep for years. Jamie mommy and andrew, all gone within 9 months. who's next. i'm scared to go check on my children at night afraid they arent Breathing. i learned how to do CPR and i dont think i could do it even if something did happen. i drink wine to calm my nerves Because i cant take pins or zannies cause i aBuse them. i am a drug addicts, thats lucky enough to still Be Breathing. jamie tought me that life is too precious to get high. he laay 6 feet under my shoes in the dirt. lifeless. Bones. mommy sits on a taaBle in the living room. and andrew sits in a drawer cause i cant Bear to hold a Box or even look at it. all of them should Be in my arms. i am growing impatient with life.