Journal

Here I am...a month later! LOL! I'm fine, just working as much as I can. It helps take my mind off of whatever it is that I am thinking about. I think it is a bad form of dealing with my anxiety because it's like stuffing it or ignoring it. I work, exercise and sleep! I have a doctor's appointment on Monday because I am coming up on the dreaded bad cycle. I can't go through what I went through the prior month.

Sometimes I think I'm totally stuck living like this. I am so fearful that my body will not be able to handle it anymore. But it's a mental disease. I technically have control over this if I could just stop the thinking to drive me into fear or flight. Sigh...maybe one day. :)

 I have a guy that I'm seeing and it has been nice. One bad problem...his age...he's 18! Oh, I know you girls are going to smack me and say snap out of it! LOL! I think it is a good relationship because there is no clinginess, no long term committment relationship. Amazingly, he's a great guy for his age, works and goes to college so with his schedule and mine, we see each other maybe twice a week.

2 weeks ago I was in a car accident and I almost thought my panic  attacks were knocked out of me because for a solid week I did not have one! I'm fine, my car needs some work which I have to do piece by piece due to my work schedule.

My mom sent Alpha a raincoat today. I'll have to put pictures up! Alpha hates the rain and we have been having a lot lately.

Love and miss you all!

Today has been horrible but getting a bit better. I need to think positive! I went to bed at 5am and woke up at 8am so I have been in a panic ever since. I feel like I'm losing my mind but I know that I just came off my period and this is the result. I then get fearful of my Xanax, even though I know it will help. I have been playing Solitaire on my phone to take my mind off of whatever insane thoughts I'm having. I've walked on the treadmill to burn off some unwanted energy and I think that has finally brought me down a little. It really is driving me nuts because this is my weekend off! and my anxiety has dominated the whole weekend!

I have struggled back and forth with going to the hospital but, really, what for!?!? It's just anxiety and nothing more. Really, just writing about this and being on DS has really calmed me down. Some times when I read about other people's anxiety and I can't relate, I panic more! LOL! But I need to free myself from what I am feeling, try to take a nap, keep watching TV, playing games, anything to keep my mind off of unwanted thoughts!

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!