iluvdogs's Journal

 Haven't been to therapy in 3 weeks. Have to go this week for sure, I realize I'm losing my sense of direction again. Today was tough, he pecked at me all day trying to get a rise out of me so I'd fight and argue with him. I like to think I've made some progress...because I didn't blow up at him. I just held firm and repetitive. My wonderful book about codependency has opened my eyes to some things. I will have to set boundaries, and deal with the pain of detachment.

How could the person I once loved so deeply, become the person I can't stand to be around anymore. I hate how bipolar disease has wrecked my life! I know it's wrecked his too, but I don't care. I won't care anymore, that's what got me in this fuckin mess. I'm not owning anyone else's bullshit anymore.

I know that I'm codependent and it's "my" time now. I've got to get me well.

As much as I am fighting it....this marriage will end! And I'm not sad about that, just terribly angry, bitter, resentful. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Our love died when intimacy was lost, and that's the bottom line. We were living with his bipolar for years, then it intensified and he pulled back, I tried for many years, but the cold rejection was more than I could deal with anymore, I pulled away then and isolated, because it's a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt further in the future. My daydreams of "The Knight in Shining Armor" that will come and rescue me away and take me to a life a normalcy are pure fantasy, because deep inside I don't want to be with any other man, I can't trust them, how do I know they wouldn't be MENTAL too??? I couldn't risk that. I've lived in a bipolar hell for over 10 yrs, I won't put myself in that position again.