slr74's Journal

Lastnight I made the decision to go spend some time with one of my best friends. I knew there would be alcohol involved and it didn't really bother me--I felt that this is one of my best friends and even if they are a drinker it doesn't mean that I have to drink. My decision not to drink lastnight in this social setting with my friend despite everyone else was drinking was a decision I stuck to. I was surprised at how calmly I handled the situation, and when I left the gathering I remember feeling good about myself for having stuck to my guns. I expected to feel frustrated, depressed, anxious--but I didn't. I left the gathering without a desire to swing by the store and pick up some beers, although it was a thought lurking in the dark corners of my mind. I remember feeling super paranoid because it was a Saturday night, it was 11:30, and I was concerned about my fellow motorists all because I know how many countless times I've been blacked-out hammered behind the wheel of my car and not even giving a FUCK as to the many things that could go wrong. I began to feel edgy, but not because I wanted a drink--it was because the reality set in of how many HUNDREDS of times I have put myself and innocent people in harm's way with blatant disregard for safety and consideration. Not knowing why THIS person ahead of me is weaving within their lane a little--not knowing why THAT person is hitting their brakes constantly--approaching yellow-light intersections and praying I don't get t-boned by some drunk fool...It made me feel very vulnerable to my surroundings and made me really want to return to the safety of my house. When I got home I was proud of the fact that I made it there safely without incident; I was proud of the fact that I did it soberly. Most of all, I was proud of myself for truly still wanting to stay that way.