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About Me
Integral
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About Me
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-- of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet. This poem really sums me up it was written by Charles C. Finn September 1966
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I
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Interests
Web design, Emails from interesting people, Travel, Gigs, Keeping fit.
Web design, Emails from interesting people, Travel, Gigs, Keeping fit.
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Recent Activity
November 9
November 8
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Integral and SUICIDALNOMORE are now friends 1:59pm
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Integral gave SUICIDALNOMORE a high five 12:14pm
Is this one of your nine cats in the profile picture ...got to get me one of those :)…
October 30
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Integral gave Caffy21 a good luck wish 9:28am
Looks like the giant Jamaican palm leaf icon is missing, so here's a clover. :)…
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Journal
Integral hasn’t written any journal entries yet. -
Hugbook
Present
Hope you are feeling ok!! :D xxx
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Rainbow
Hey :) docs this morning 0920, should be back bout 1030 to chat if you are around? Hope so :) xx
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Chocolate
Hello,
Are you about to chat before work? x -
Hug
hey :)
Glad your back!! Looking forward to chatting soon! Txt me! x 
Ray of Sunshine
Thank you for the friendship request
How are you???
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Photos
Integral hasn’t uploaded any photos yet
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Support Groups
Close Shyness
I feel shy often... am getting better though.. :)
Treatments
- DailyStrength Working / Worked
- Self-esteem Working / Worked
- Self-help Working / Worked
- I listen and read self development books every day...and they are helping... I'm really into Wayne Dyer and Stephen Covey's work at the moment.
- Socializing Considering
Close Insomnia
It takes me ages to get to sleep my head just gets filled with thoughts and just when I'm about to I think 'great I'm falling asleep' then I'm wide awake again, Also if I know there is something important the next day I get also no sleep for thinking so much that I really should be asleep already...which is kind of ironic I guess.
Treatments
- Ambien Working / Worked
- Kind of worked but not a great help...maybe I should try some on perscription rarther than generic ones from the net.
- Counting Sheep Working / Worked
- This helps...no dreams about sheep yet either
- Music Considering
- Maybe some classical music
Open Anxiety
I feel anxious all the time so much so that I can't sleep
Treatments
- Breathing Exercises Working / Worked
- Positive Thinking Working / Worked
- I have been listening to self help seminars by Wayne Dyer and Stephen Covey
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Groups
