RebeccaV's Journal

Life is funny. It is shocking to look back and see what you thought was important in your life at the time only to see that it really didn't matter at all.

 I remember the first time I was teased about my HS, I thought I would DIE of shame. It literally broke my heart and I could not see a happy ending for my fairy tale dreams of life. When I was 11, I think, I developed my first cyst...right between my eyes, in plain view of anyone who cared to look at me, there was no hiding it, I was devestated. My parents thought that this was just hormonal acne and that it would go away before becoming very big. Sadly they were horribly horribly wrong. The cyst DID grow, so large that I could see it, it was like someone had put a pingpong ball between my eyes and the painnnnnn..omg it was excruciating, I was in agony and still going to elementary school daily. I fought my parents on this, but they both worked and it was not economically feasible for them to hire someone to look after an 11 year old, yet they refused to leave me at home alone, so to school I went and right into the hands of my tormenters. The kids were horrible to me, saying really awful things, they scarred my heart forever with their remarks, but it was the ADULT teachers whom I looked up to and believed would rescue me from these monsters, that were the worst of them all! One day a teacher looked at me, came to my desk, grabbed my head and tilted it up to look at me more squarely in the face and remarked in front of the entire classroom "OMG Rebecca it looks like you are growing another eye!"  I wanted to fall off the planet, become invisible, Die! anything but be in that classroom ever again. I went home that day an emotional basket case and crying like no other which prompted my parents into taking immediate action to get me to the doctor to have it lanced. I am here to tell you, you have NEVER known fear or horror until you are an 11 year old girl laying on a doctors table with the Doctor looming over you with a syringe full of liquid on its way to that little space between your eyes at the top of your nose. I was looking at him and wondering how long until that mysterious liquid killed me, how long before the pain would, it really didn't matter, so long as I died, that was the best solution for me rather than living with that on my face and being tortured daily from it and those monsters, or so I thought at that time! I can remember the exact moment that needle penetrated the cyst, all that pus gushed out and right down into my eyes, I tried to squirm away, get up, move, anything! which infuriated the doctor and he belittled me for acting like a baby! I remember it all so clearly. It is a blemish on my soul and I will carry it with me forever.

Life that week or so was completely unbearable for me, I remember thinking horrible thoughts about how to end my life, that no one loved me, that I was ugly and repulsive. I remember how I thought I would never have anything or anyone in my life... I was too ugly.

Like I said, Life is funny! Now that I look back on my life and see the amount of power that I GAVE others to hurt me, I am saddened that no one took the time to stand up for me even once and say "Look, we aren't going to allow you to hurt her anymore!" But of course in real life, my life anyway, that never happens! LOL. Now as an adult I KNOW that NO ONE can hurt me with words, unless I ALLOW them to, and I simply DO NOT allow anyone to treat me like that, or to disrespect me in any way. Now I am the one that is empowered and I am the one who steps up for me and says "Look, I won't allow you to try to hurt me anymore!"  At that time I thought that what other people said, or thought about me, was majorly important, and that I HAD to live up to their standards and expectations. LOL!! How funny, these people were monsters, and I finally see it! Now I KNOW what is important in my life, and that is God, my family and myself.. no one else stands a snowflakes chance in Hell of intimidating or belittling me to the point of embarassment or shame about myself. I am AWESOME! Just ask my kids..  ;-)