Journal

I think I have officially gone off the deep end.  My mind is like a big confusing bowl of shit.  I try to get on with my normal daily activities like cleaning or doing laundry and then I just break down in tears.  I feel guilty for trying to be "normal" again.  And my other children, I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not giving them the attention they deserve because in the back of  my mind I'm thinking about how much happier I was when I was pregnant.  It's not that I don't love them.  As a matter of fact, this whole thing has made me realize how lucky I am to have them.  It's just that I can't help but wish I was anyone else right now than who I am.  I woke up last night paranoid and panicked.  I had to have my husband get up and check on the kids because I felt something just wasn't right in the house.  I know that in time I won't feel quite as terrible because time heals all, right.  I just wish I could fast forward to a time when it doesn't hurt quite so bad.

     I am at a loss.  I found out a week ago today, almost this very moment that our baby had died inside of me.  On Monday my doctor removed the baby and I still feel like it was all a huge mistake.  I should still be pregnant.  I shouldn't be dreading my return to work and school.  Having to explain to all of those who don't know what has happenend fills me with such dread.  This being my second misscarriage, I feel like it should get a little easier, but it never does.  This time we actually got to hear the heartbeat and see our baby move around for us.  How do we move on from this?  I know it's all still relatively new.  It only happened a week ago, but it took me almost 2 years to get over the first one and we were only 7 weeks along when we lost that baby.  We have decided to try again, but my fear is what if it happens again?  And even worse, what if it happens when I can't get a D&C and I actually have to give birth to a  baby that's already passed?  I'm not sure I could come back from that at all.  We do have other children and that has helped a lot this time around.  My daughter is now spoiled to sleeping with us because I couldn't sleep without her beside me.  I go back to work on Monday and I really don't want to go at all.  My co-workers are all very supportive and are really like a second family to me but I don't think I can bear their sorrowful looks and words of encouragement.  What do I do with the rest of my life now?  I can't go on as if I never was pregnant and I can't stand to remember the time that I was.  The only time I get any peace is when I'm asleep.