Journal

Thought it was about time for another journal! Ive had a very hectic day! I got no morning tea break at work today because we took the children out on an outing to go on the local steam train! I was very disorganised and didnt bring any lunch (because i was expecting a lunch break! as per usual!) so i was worrying that it would be really awkward and ppl would offer me food and think it was weird that I wasnt eating but no1 noticed or offered me anything so i was quite relieved! I still messed up a lot today though! We got back from the trip about 1pm then I had lunch about 130pm i really wanted to meet Tim for lunch but didnt even get 30mins so had to stay in the staffroom cos there were biscuits and chips and dip in there I ate far too much! Im sure i had the most outta anyone! 

I thought i could fight off the feeling of b/p after work but 1 bad thing after another happened! (i lost my eftpos card) I wanted to buy smokes and go get a drink with Tim at a local cafe then buy a few healthy groceries, try get myself back on track...however cos I had lost it that was enough to really make me spiral back down and I ended up b/p twice!

Earlier this week I had a lil meltdown tim came home from work to see me because I was sooooooo upset and feeling so bad with ed, I had just messed up and had work 1230-5pm which i tried really hard to get out of but couldnt as there was no other staff that could cover me! I felt like absolute shit!!!!!!!! Anyway he came home an hr b4 I had work and comforted me,made me feel a bit better and decided i really should go to the dr and see if i can get some medication that might help help me stop feeling so down and hopeless all the time.

I'm a little bit nervous i really dont like going to drs and rarely go unless absolutely necessary, even then i am reluctant to go! Tim's going with me but still i dont really want to go I really wish I would pull myself out of this funk myself but i guess i do need to go cos i cant!

Things that I think are making me feel this way at the moment are 1. Haven't been paid for almost 2 months now because I was on practicum for a month and secondly because where i'm currently living is not really the best for Tim and I. Lucky for us theres no problem btw me and him we are probably the most in love couple you could find around anywhere lol :). However our flat mate is a real pain in the ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's a dj, and he has his business in the house,downstairs but whenever he's home (which is far too often for our liking) he is constantly blasting his music, inviting ppl over during the week for drinks with the loud hard out music going and getting stoned. Tim and I don't really feel comfortable living there because we hardly ever get peace and quiet! It's quite good when he's not there but thats not often enough!

Tim works weekends and Malc (flat mate/dj) works sat am but not sunday! I really miss my down time I dont get it anymore because I dont feel comfortable where i'm living and Malcolm is just too annoying. When he was home last sunday,I came back from a run and wanted some peace and quiet but since he was home i knew i wouldnt get it! so this made me feel like i needed to get outta the house as soon as poss and then all i felt like doing was b/p.

I really want Tim and I to get our own flat but I think that will be a while away yet cos we both havent got anywhere near enough income as of now so i guess we will just have to grin and bear the living situation for now.

I'm going to try harder to get myself back on track from now on though, hopefully gttg medication will help me im gonna try and exercise a lot more ofetn again (aim for daily), eat better (no binging) and try to start being more organised , taking more pride in my appearance again and keeping things tidier!

Anyway that is all for now hope u all r well

Luv Soph xo! 

I really should right more journals more often again now that i have more free time practicum is over and im bk to work and all! Well things r ok i guess at the moment been worse and been better! I'm having some pretty bad days with b/p..well have been everyday this week and had a few little fights with Tim which has sorta got me down a bit at times nothing major but just enough to get to me a little bit and at occasional times really hoping that our love will stay strong 4eva and wont fizzle out! Ofcourse i still want to be with him for the rest of my life i just hope we draw closer not apart and he still loves me as much as he says and as much as i love him!

Yesterday I was real hungry all day and kept munching on bits of biscuit all day through work i did wel and didnt b/p though but at the end went drinkn got too drunk and wasted and purged! This morning I woke up at around 1045am,got up and the weather was gorgeous! yes too good to be true lasted until we decided we would go out to the river and have a swim, in short shorts and a bikini top no shoes!!!!!!!!!1 and then in like 20 seconds there was a dramatic change , temperature dropped about 13degrees i and the wind was now cold! fuk tht burst my bubble...here I was all excited to go out to the river and have a swim and then all nice plans 4 the day were ruined!

I let my disappointment tke hold i guess and gave into b/p as nothing as sounded that appealing ! so that took up the whole day from around 1pm till 10pm. So other than that that is all ive been doing the whole day i know it is soooooooooo sad ae!

I feel so out of touch with all my friends and other ppl who seem to have slowly faded from my life! I need to start journaling more and keeping in touch and supporting u all it really helps me feel better/less on my own with all of this!

I think i need to try and start fighting against ed more and start aiming to live the life I really want! without ed things would be soooooooooooo much simpler and easier! Its pretty much my only problem or the problem which causes other lil problems to occur!

So tomorrow is a fresh start as they always say and hopefully one that will bring around a lot of good change! (well i guess it is really up to me to mke sure it does happen ae!)