aleefrank's Journal

I am so scared as everyday passes. I hate this life that I am going through. I love so strongly and it hurts so much.

As an update of where we are now...

We started home care on September 2, 2009, exactly 3 months to the day of her "accident." I put that in quotations because we still to this day do not know why this happened to my mom. She just suddenly stopped breathing with no warning. She went approximately 8+ minutes without oxygen. Basically, she suffered anoxia (oxygen deprivation to the brain). It's hurts so much to not even know why. Something that all by itself seems to plague me. WHY?

Well, since my family all lives is New York and I live in North Carolina and my mom and step dad now live in Georgia, it has been exceptionally tough. She has only had visitors the first two weeks or so and they just stopped visiting. At no fault to them, I know they all have families and jobs. But I live in NC and I go to Night School and work full-time and still make time to visit mom EVERY weekend! It is so hard and stressful but I need her to know that I am there.

To make matters more difficult, my stepdad (the only one in GA with her and taking care of her) is being deployed to Afganistan next month. This means that all this responsibility falls one me. I will do anything for my mom, so I have no issue with that. I am just so sad that I have to quit school and my job. And give up my apartment to move to GA. I have by far the best job ever and I know I will never find another employer as supportive as my current one now. As much as my life has already changed through this experience, I feel that life is going to be flipped upside down in every corner if I have to care for mom 24/7. I have so many fears, what if I give the wrong medicine at the wrong time? What if I forget to turn her? What if I panick when changing her trach? etc. I know how to do everything we need to do to care for her, I just get scared that I have to do it for 12 consecutive months by myself. Every weekend I am there I cannot sleep because we have to wake up every hour or two anyway to provide the care she needs. It's just starting to get to be too much. I am so scared. My stepdad said that I will not need to work because he would provide money for food and still pay for his mortgage, yada yada but I LIKE to work and I LIKE to go to school. Education is the most important luxury we have freely in America. I hate that I have to give that up, even if it may only be for a year. But then there's always that fear that he may not come home. I hate that feeling. Every time he gets deployed, there is always that outcome. And what do I do then. I am too scared that I cannot do this. Not by any means because I don't love my mom or that I don't want to take care of her. I am afraid that I cannot do it emotionally, physically, mentally. What if I have another breakdown? I cannot help her if I am in that state.

I pray for her recovery every day. Many times a day. So much that I start to feel guilty if I pray for anything other than her recovery, partly because I am afraid God will answer the other prayer first and I do not want that. Now I feel like I need to pray for strength to get through this. To continue taking full responsibility of my mom without falling apart in the midst of everything spinning around me. I pray that life can be happy again. I pray for my mom to talk to me again and to hear her tell me she loves me. I pray for her happiness. I pray for the knowledge to understand what is going on and why. I just need her in my life so much. I am not ready for this.

Please help pray for my mom, Laurie

God Bless