KangaRhew's Journal

I feel like I'm having a really hard time coping this week; I feel like I've kinda given up, in ways. I don't know. Part of me was relieved, finding something to identify with...but identity is a hot button issue with me. Eleven years since I graduated high school and what have I done? Nothing. I've done absolutely nothing with my life. Two years in college - love of psychology, and yet I still managed to change my focus for my art major three times in such a short period of time (from psychology to sociology to criminology back to psychology), before inevitably giving up and going in the opposite direction, blowing 16 grand that I have yet to fully pay off for an audio engineering program at a pricey private college...to find out that I can't find a job and go back to the call centers to continue the tour.

Different masks, and none of them fit. Good daughter, bad daughter, asshole, angel, saint, virgin, nymph, bitch, student, working stiff, genious, poet, airhead, drunk, loner, weirdo...some fit better than others. Which ones do I embrace? I believe it's safe to assume that, no matter what, none of them is going to make me happy...none of them will lead to satisfaction, peace, comfort. Geek, that's the only one that seems to fit with any comfort. Recluse, that's another. There's not much that either of those masks will provide in terms of self-support, however - long term happiness. That road is paved with loneliness, despair, and tears.

I don't even know why I'm in such a bad mood lately. I know that the thing that is fueling it of late is my mother; I can't deal with her right now. The weird part is that I can actually see a life before me. There's still the worry of things falling through, plans changing, the road being more bumpy than anticipated...but it's there. One way or another, I can see it. School on the way to a decent paying job, with possibility for advancement. Moving into the city, working within walking distance of my home, a nice little apartment in a nice area. To have a child in a few years (out of relationship - I'm alright with not having a boyfriend or husband, maybe some day, but I will regret not having a child, and while the biological clock is ticking...well, where there's a will there's a way) and just generally lead my life. It doesn't have to be spectacular, I don't even have to be happy, but my life has to be my own, pursuing my own goals, and accomplishing what I want to accomplish. It's just been so difficult...it's hard to feel like anything more than a sack of shit when you're depending on people for everything in your life.

I'm a glorified version of a homeless person. My parents pay my bills while I go to school; I can't even obtain a part time job because if they at any point want me to go to full time hours, then I'm screwed for my schooling (as I'm seeking funding through employment insurance). It happened to my mother, once - a week before her schooling started, her work offered her full time. When EI heard about it? "Well, you'll have to go to work, then." And it was over. She was subsequently stuck in a shit industry that she hated for the next 25 years. 

It's just hard to feel good about things when there's so much underlying misery and guilt. I'm doing really well in my upgrade courses, too - in the top three, devoted, do a ton of study. But it just really doesn't make me happy right now. It doesn't help that the only person in the house (out of myself, my brother, my mother, and my father) that's bringing in a paycheck right now is my mother (at around $20/hour) - my father sold his business, so he paid off all the bills, but it's still never enough money. My mother is a compulsive shopper, like myself (when I have the money), and for the last two months that's all I've been hearing about, that she's never got enough money, and it's just reinforcing my misery since I'm well aware of how majorly they're bailing me out right now. So money, in general, just stresses me right the hell out. And besides, if she's got money complaints, she should be talking to my father, not me. It's all one big convoluted mess with one hell of a history, so I'm just gonna leave it there for now. Suffice to say that it's just making me terribly unhappy.

I'm just ranting away tonight, I've got a lot on my mind and I'm trying to just push it away so I can at least fake it again; I've just been biting everyone's head off for days now, and generally been going through major highs and lows, which honestly isn't that common an occurance for me. In any case, I'll wrap this up now, time to lay down and throw a movie or five on  until I finally drift off to sleep (hopefully sooner than later).

Stay strong.