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nkodi 
2:15pm Monday
Since Bear's death in July, I have tackled many new jobs. I have learned how to start the lawn tractor and maneuver it around the yard. I have figured out how the finances work and how to pay the bills. Now I am learning how to prepare the house for the upcoming winter. All in all, although it has been difficult at times, it has all been manageable. However, there was one job, that although I saw that it needed to be done every day, I could not imagine attempting. I needed to clean out Bear's clothes closet.
For some reason, on the spur of the moment, I decided that today was the day to try to complete this task. Over the past 3 months several friends and family members have offered to help me but I always politely declined. For one, I didn't want them to see me dissolve into tears and secondly, I needed to do it in my own time. It was as tough as I anticipated and I am glad that I did this one solo.
Bear was a good dresser and had a lot of clothes. His shirts reminded me of his school days and the fun we would have picking out one of his ties to coordinate with the shirt each day. He had pants of various color, sizes, materials, pleats and cuffs. There were carpenter jeans, straight leg jeans, overalls, and boot cut jeans. There were belts, socks, and tee shirts. I visualized him in each article of clothing that carried a special memory, and I relived many of them as I worked my way from one end of the closet to the other and then to his armoire. Tears flowed freely throughout the process. It was painfully sad and I was glad to be alone with my thoughts.
The hardest part of the day was handling his suits and sport coats. So many weddings, holidays, graduations, assemblies, and banquets came to mind. One particular suit he wore for the last time in May when he was honored at the annual Impact Awards Dinner. Two graduating seniors had selected him as the teacher in their school careers that had changed their lives for the better. Bear was so proud that day and I am glad that he was able to attend the dinner and be with those two young men for the last time. When I took the suit off its hanger, there was something on the inside of his label, where only he could see it. There, pinned inside his suit coat, was his Cancer Sucks pin. He wore it constantly, often hidden from sight. His illness, although invisible to others, was always present in his life, even in the best of times.
I am proud for having cleaned out that closet. I am not brave enough yet to get rid of his clothes. For now they are in tupperware tubs, in the hallway, waiting to be taken up into the attic. I cannot face giving the clothes to anyone else or throwing them out. For now they will stay in the house until I find the strength to take the next step. This job has been the most difficult of any that I have faced so far, except of course the job of living without him.
Comments
You are much braver then I . I have not opened the closet. I have bought the containers and they stay stacked in the laundry room. I cannot stand the thought of looking at his suits , blazers and tuxedo. He was quite the dresser and to think of those clothes on someone else breaks my heart. He has so many wonderful monogramed shirts and golf shirts. For many Christmases I would buy him a cashmere sweater and he would say" sweetheart no more sweaters, we live in FL." I know I have to be brave and empty that closet and his bureau but 15 weeks is too soon to do it.
m9370
You are doing great! I lost Michael 17 months ago-packed up one home under duress 3 months after he had died. Went back home to SA, stepped into his shoes in the business, but was determined that I would never pack up his clothing in our "permanent "home... I left everything the way it was -slippers on his side of the bed, toothbrush in the bathroom etc...Every attempt that I made failed-It was doing no harm, and I sort of felt comfortable..It is only in the last couple of weeks that I started packing up his things ..it was time...
Jaynine
I think we all need to do it in our own time. There are no rules. It was a spur of the moment thing...I just started it and kept on going. I am glad that you are able to pack up a few things recently. It is the beginning and you will find the strength to keep going. Hang in there.
nkodi
Thanks for the topic and sharing on it......it hits home.....My partner had alot of clothes...I was not there when the his apartment evacuation started a few days after his death...and his mother bagged them all up and attempted to cart them off to goodwill...Wes's best friend took them and held them in his garage for me to go thru when I got there...we had like 4 massive bags of stuff to sort thru...wow...the clothes and memories attached to each article was almost too much, I ended up taking quite alot home with me, the shirts he wore most around me, the shirts I could actually use for leisure and the gym, jackets, his Navy camo coat...some of his Navy sweat suits, some socks, his pj bottoms...I was relieved to rescue them...we sorted out the rest that I didnt' want for his boys to go thru, then his friend Brian got the rest of his socks and some flannel jackets, we gave his shoes and the rest to his friend Chris...the worst worn stuff only went to goodwill...which I could live with. I guess if it had been a closet in my home I probably would have left it as a shrine for quite awhile, but the situation was out of my hands...which was probably for the best.. Clothes are such a personal thing....so quick to invoke a strong emotional response from us.
rileyann
Nancy, I haven't even been able to look at Marti's stuff, much less go through it. When Kate comes after Thanksgiving, maybe she can give me a hand. Good job!!! Kip.
KipB
Good Job! My sister and Sis in law took care of all the clothes a week later. I was having a real tough time seeing all of E's clothes. All clothes and items were stored away and are at E's mothers house. We have put away nice items and someday our daughter is going to receive those items. Some people looked down on me for removing her clothes so soon, but that was a decision I made and I am glad I did. We also had a blanket and a pillow made up of E's robe for the kids. We have no idea what we are going to do with all of her clothes. Hopefully someday that answer will come upon us.
JarrodT