zelzie's Journal

Have been on the computer almost all morning long chatting with friends from all over the country......which was very nice and interesting.  I always enjoy meeting and chatting with new friends/people.

Tomorrow I'll have 3 of my children here for lunch........I can smell it cooking in the crockpot right now.........redbeans with ham.  Then tomorrow I'll cook some rice, a salad, dessert, tea etc.... My son is off on Wednesdays and Thursdays and my 2 girls don't work that far from the house, so it gives me a chance to practice my cooking....AGAIN!!!

When my husband was alive, "HE" did all the cooking.  He loved to cook and he was a very good "cajun" cook.  Little "heavy handed" on the seasoning sometimes, but it was all delicious.  So, I didn't do much cooking.  And after 16 years of not cooking .......you almost "FORGET" how to cook........example:  when you can burn boiled eggs.......that's BAD!!!!.  But I wouldn't lie to you, I'll stand up to the plate and admit it.....I did do it.......I just forgot I had something on the stove, since I never used the stove much and all the water evaporated......thus, burnt boiled eggs.  Do you know what "explosive boiled eggs" look like in a kitchen???? not pretty!!! Take my word for it.  I had a mess to clean up.  Boy! did I learn from that lesson.    But, believe me, cooking is like riding a bike......you never forget.  After he died......cooking for 1 person was no fun......so I didn't cook.  Then when Bobby came into the picture I asked him to come eat at least once a week, this way I could practice cooking again.  He loved it!  Now that  he's gone .......I'm back to NO COOKING!!!.....for one person.....and I promise, I'm not practicing with boiled eggs.

Things are getting better for me.  I know I'll have a meeting with Bobby's children, at some point in time, soon.  They said they have a box of some of his things they want me to have, can't figure out what that could be, but I'll treasure whatever it is.  Then, after this meeting I'll have "NO" more contact with his family, other than maybe a Christas card at the holidays.  Bobby and I weren't together on a 24/7 basis.  We each had our own space and our own houses.  They and his wife's family really didn't know I was in the picture so I think that's why it's getting easier for me.  Don't get me wrong. I still shed tears for him and my husband.  I miss them both.  I still have problems with the anxiety/depression......mostly anxiety attacks.....I feel like i'm getting the shakes inside and I can't be around a lot of people at a time.....I feel really nervous inside.   This is so funny, cause it didn't bother me too much, that I can remember, when my husband died.  I think it's cause I found Bobby dead and I'll never forget that  picture, of him, in my mind.  But I know I have to move on.  I can't let that affect the rest of my life.  I know he wouldn't have wanted "ME" to be the one to find him dead but I'd check on him at least 2-3 times a day, by phone.  I knew he had health problems and I was worried about him.

It will get better.........

till later,

Jenny