zelzie's Journal

Yesterday, November 1st........I missed going to the cemetery to put flowers on my husband and Bobby grave.  I want to 10:30 Mass and when I got home a lady friend of mine was waiting in her vehicle under the carport.  We left and went flea marketing in a town about 20-25 miles from home.  She was looking for a particular dish to match the set she has from her grandmother.  We looked around for quiet a while before she found one piece of the same pattern.  We then left and headed home.  We stopped in another town closer and ate Chinese.  It was good getting out and sharing the day with another widowed friend.

Today, November 2nd........I'm going to pick up 2 roses........one for my husband and one for

Bobby, and bring them to the cemetery.  My sister put flowers where my husband is buried, so I know that flower arrangement is fresh.  The one Bobby has is new since I just put it a few weeks ago.  I miss both of them.  Both brought SO much JOY and HAPPINESS into my life in the last 17 years.  Don't know if I'll ever recapture that feeling again.  I'm just taking it one day at a time, taking bigger baby steps and hopefully heading in the right direction. 

Life is a mystery and I don't take it for granted anymore.  Things happen TOO fast and we can't recapture the past.  We are not guaranteed "afterwhile".......we're only guaranteed the time we have NOW/the Present.   Since I had made plans with both Dewey, my husband and Bobby, my 2nd soul-mate.......both died before we could achieve our goals......I don't make future plans anymore.  Since I'm retired, if anyone ask me to do something that day, and I'm available........I'm out the door.  I still get anxious and depressed but it's not as bad as it was at the beginning of the grief period.  If things get too tough to handle, I put on my tennis shoes and head to the gym and the treadmill and walk for a while.  It definitely is a stress releaser.  Then I come home and I'm ok.

Today I had made plans with the funeral home to plan my passing......I want to be cremated, as was my husband.  Bobby chose not to be cremated.  He said he wanted "this large body to take as long as it takes to turn to dust".....   I just don't want my children to have to worry about the arrangements when it's my time to go.  The person who I was meeting with  is a friend and we had to reschedule to this coming Wednesday.  The funeral home had a lot of death calls and he was needed there today.......rescheduling was ok with me.  I'll give me time to think of what exactly I want done at my time of death.

Hopefully I'll get more productive as time goes on.  I feel that i'm not accomplishing anything for a lot of  days then all of a sudden I want to do everything in one day.  I need to learn how to pace myself.  In all, LIFE IS GOOD!!!........hugs to all on this site for strength, companionship, friendship, and listening.  It's good to get things off your chest and vent......it's been really good for me. .........Again thanks !!!Jenny