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alizarine1963 
4:11pm, November 15, 2009
Who am I to blame for how I am? I could rip myself apart bit by bit trying to take away the agony which has become my life. I cannot blame those who are my family of origin. I cannot blame her from whose body I was torn and thrust into this wicked world. Perhaps if on the day of my birth when the cord was wrapped around my infant throat, I'd ceased to be and fled back to eternity? Heaven did not want me. God didn't want me back. Though she said she wanted me I couldn't feel enough love. If I had been stillborn on that day, I'd been spared the curse of my ancestors. That did not happen and I was left to sort out the pieces. It's a life long rending of my soul until the day when we are reunited again. Is there a reunion that will take place for me? A time when I am completely free of the curse? Or will that be torn from me too and will I be thrown into the pit of hell. It will be unfair as my hell was here on earth. But will I be judged and found unworthy and then forever wander and revisit the place of my inner torment for eternity? Perhaps God will find me wanting, lacking somehow and deny me in a cruel irony a moment where I am once more innocent like my soul was before I came to be. Perhaps I am only fooling myself in my endless ramblings. There may be no way out and this time may be all there will ever be. It would be cruel and twisted if after all this time that there is no God. My soul tells me there is and I hold onto tot the hope beyond the loss of heaven and pains of hell that there may be something more than this curse, my personal cross, my inner hell.
Comments
Hey Sweetie, it does get better, really. You even know it when you're not feeling this low. Of course there is a God and God is love. My therapist correctly says that the only thing he's ever seen do any good for a patient is love. God would never, could never reject you - honest. You are loved, no matter how bleak it looks. You have your husband who's sticking with you. If you went away who else could I dish about my odd life with, hmmm? Big ol' hugs and lots of love,
-- A.
Selinda
Sweetie, I am just rambling. I wouldn't do anything. Yes, the meds suck and stuff is happening but I know it will get better. I didn't mean to alarm anyone. I just have so much inside sometimes that I just have to get it out. Do you think making them private would be a good idea? I don't want to trigger anyone or make anyone feel bad. I just thought I'd share my insights and maybe someone would be able to relate to them. I hope you are fine. LOL, on your odd life! A, you are a trip!!! I am not going anywhere, ok! Hugs, love and a big old thanks honey to you!
alizarine1963
Oh good! Yeah, I've definitely felt that way - but I worry about myself when I sound that way too. I'm glad you're okay, if not incredibly happy - it's just been sorta a strange couple of weeks for me and I'm a little jumpier than usual. The wretched thing is that mine pretty clearly isn't chemical and my beloved shrink is out of town 'til Friday. Ah well. And everything in my first note stands, so don't you forget it!
Okay, back to gruesome housework and homework...
Big ol' hugs!
Selinda
Yes ma'am!
alizarine1963