alizarine1963's Journal

Time to heal...if this is healing I might as well be torn limb from limb, hanged, drawn and quartered by this insanity that threatens to carry me away into oblivion and fling my shattered mind into the darkness of my endless night.  No one who hasn't felt this can begin to understand what I am going through. I am lost inside myself in such a way that I cannot begin to describe to another person. Words are useless to try and unlock the intensity of the despair that I feel inside. I pull at words like some pull at straws saying nothing more than what has already been said by countless others struggling for resolution. When I am done babbling, I will have not saved anyone, solved any great conflicts, felt any signifcant emotion that will give me any clarity to the fugue within me. My thoughts come like unwanted vocalizations of madness that only I can hear and wish not to hear.  They make no sense, offer no solace, no hint of speciality that will give me hope that this part of the process is nearing its completion. I am trying to pull together that which is split, disconnected and disassociated from me. I am fragmented, a stranger to myself, writing words of nothingness to please the person that has asked me to do it. I have no knowledge, no revelation, no recognititon of a way out of the labyrinth of madness within. I go into the maze and walk into walls like a blind man trying to feel his way in the ebonic abyss. I think my eyes are open and yet their orbs are blank. I can hear the pounding of my heart, the constant racing of my mind unto anxiety, the perspiration that forms as I hit yet another impasse. I once was able to hide inside myself but that is nothing more than a crumpled cloak, now on the floor of my interanl prison where I wait naked in torment for a reprieve that never comes. I have more than served my time for a crime I did and did not commit. I am sentenced to a life with out parole in a genetically acquired Alcatraz, compliments of my ancestry.