alizarine1963's Journal

I am kind of dead inside right now with depression that still manages to be at the center of my life.I was once able to write during times like this but right now I am not able or is it willing not get down inside and get to the heart of the matter. I am just so tired of navel gazing at this point and feel as though the process of time after an episode is just nothing more than wasted time. Time that I have to take to get back to reality and it so pisses me off because I have come realize that there have been so many times in my life when it has been so many times in my life when it's been one step forward and five steps back. But I am also at a crossroads yet again, and I have two choices, plod on as I have been doing for nearly 46 years or end it all. The latter is not an option and I am pissed that I have to continually do the former more often that I would like at this point in my life.

I feel like a soulless entity. I am empty and hollow like a shell. My anger wells up like a hurricane and decimates all that lies in its path inside of me. I know in my mind that the anger is counterproductive. My heart is enraged that my mind is so cold and unfeeling. It is a war going on inside of me. It's like my heart is vying for control over my mind and the mind is trying to conquer the heart. I don't want to feel anything, I don't want to think anything , I don't want to do anything except scream into my dark night that it is unfair and I am tired of revisiting this place inside of me inside myself where I am spinning out of control yet again. I loath this place inside of me. I seem to go here often these days that it sickens me with such disgust that to give it creedence is futile. I feel like a whirling dervish spinning frantically while staying one place transfixed in a hellish moment others call time to heal.