Journal

Narrative Life, development of disorders: I remember being very afraid of others as a child. I remember feeling sick in the stomach and short of breath when people would tease or criticize me and I remember that small things would set me off, because I would see these small things as a sign of rejection, e.g. someone not doing something I wanted. I was so afraid of rejection and still am. Sometimes I won’t even bother because of the feelings I get around others and the fact that I can’t relax around others and it makes me so uncomfortable. I fear others opinions of me and I think that they think that I’m boring, unfunny, weird and messed up. I don’t know this but I guess I just imagine it. I should let them do the judging and just be myself and then I will be relaxed and people who enjoy being around me, and who I hopefully will be relaxed enough to enjoy being around, will come into my orbit. Do I think that others are thinking this because I’m assessing people? I don’t think I do assess people like I used to although I know my mum does and that’s why I guess I did in the past. Maybe she does it because of low self-esteem due to her upbringing (violent) and I did it due to low self-esteem as a result. In any case, it makes me feel like shit because I guess I feel everyone is assessing me negatively when they probably aren’t to the extent that my mum did because my mum felt/feels so insecure.

Sometimes I think she hates seeing me happy. I was having a great day, had a couple of days off and went down to the beach with my dad and my brother-in-law. It was beautiful. If anyone ever comes to Sydney, they should visit Freshwater Beach near Manly, it's got the warmest water and it's the best swimming/bodysurfing beach in Sydney. Fair few surfers too. But back to the point, my mum. Well she is a pretty mean person, she came home from work that night and I was at home watching the cricket with my Dad and making dinner. I tried to have a conversation with her about her day and what she had planned and she just started asking me about the money I owed her. Well I had my Centrelink benefits cancelled (I work and study so I get a small amount of Youth Allowance from the govt) and I have to pay them a debt now because they overpaid me. She doesn't care about that and the fact that I've had to battle with mental illness for so long and as soon as I start to feel better and get a little happiness, she just goes on to the money thing (the same old story). We're only talking 600 bucks here (mind you, until my Dad came back from living overseas, she wouldn't help me pay for my medication or my therapy (so I stopped therapy). I have a job and I will get my Youth Allowance back as I've returned to full-time study and so I will be able to pay her back, but it's like she can't talk to me as a human being, I'm just a financial burden to her. She even thinks that me being nice is me pretending. Well, now that I actually have got some degree of well-being I am actually able to be genuinely relaxed and happy and it's made my life so easy but she said it was an act because I exploded when she asked me to pay her back. SHe doesn't give two shits though, money is the most important thing to her and always was. She never cared, despite the fact that I was a model student (still am, got my results today, Distinction in corporations law and a credit in litigation) and excelled in everything I did. Now I don't really care about that stuff because I only did it to try and impress her, but it never worked, and when I was properly diagnosed, her level of contempt for me grew even further. She has shattered my self-esteem by the way she treated me growing up, e.g. 'you're a devil-child, you're always putting on performances etc' and she still thinks I'm doing that to this day. Well I tell you what, this film definitely skipped the cinemas, that's how bad it is.

I hate her

I don't know why. I feel that everyone hates me really so It's probably just an extension of my own flawed thinking but I've always had a problem with her best friend for the last 4.5 years. I lost it last night in front of two of her other friends and stormed out of the car (they were giving me a lift with my ex/gf). I lost if because my ex/gf's best friend and another friend (who I've both had problems with in the past, don't know if it's my mental state or subjective truth) became very angry when the bill came at the dinner we were having for my ex/gf and another friend who had flown in from Japan for the weekend for a wedding and whom none of us had seen in a year.

They got angry and started staring and made a big scene because we were 40 dollars short. I had paid my share (it was meant to be 11 x 50 bucks, because there were 13 of us but my ex/gf didn't have to pay because it was her bday and neither did the friend who lives in Japan). This didn't seem to be good enough as the best friend and the other friend, who I had had problems with in the past, both left without saying goodbye to me, but saying goodbye to everyone else (except maybe one other girl, although I'm not sure). I don't have anything in common with the best friend and the conversation is always awkward. I had bought my ex a set of lingerie for 140 bucks and given it to her there, along with a card I had spent the night before writing (we have been seeing each other again for just over a month). The best friend just stared and made a sarcastic comment about how I wasn't even FB friends with my ex (I had deleted here a few months back to avoid seeing her with her new flame). Big mistake to buy her the gift I know, she will never leave her friends but she has shown that she will leave me. I should just cut my losses right and concentrate on my recovery and find nicer people? I don't know, because at work drinks before the dinner I was having lots of negative thoughts around my work mates, like 'they don't like me,' 'they think i'm a loser,' 'why did they say that? Gee they must really hate me?' I hate feeling this way around others but it's pretty much permanent. Although I thought I had made some progress, it seems it's all gone...