cap1965's Journal

I think it is time to move on in regards to old relationships that have fallen by the wayside.  Some things, events, and people are just within my power to change; actually I guess within nobody's power.  I believe the best thing to do is just to let things be and to worry about changing me, my perceptions, and my life.

It is interesting that I keep thinking I am ready to do the above yet, there is always that loss and the yearning for what can never be.  Like for example, in regards to my parents the fact of the matter is that regardless how I feel or think my mother will never get how emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive she really was.  She will never get that the loss and pain I have felt for all these years has molded me into the person I am today, in some ways good - i.e. my tenacity - and in some bad - i.e. my inability to trust -.  She will never get that in my life there is a void which she alone was supposed to have filled way back when; she will never get that pretending it is over and that time has long passed does not in any way take away the anger and resentment I feel sometimes.  The fact of the matter is that my father, no matter how much and how hard we try to get close now; will never fill the void in my past, he will never get just how much I needed him when I was raped or when my mother beat me or threw me out the house, he will never get how much it hurt to be told he could not love me because I was gay.  He will never understand how difficult it is for me to face myself somedays knowing that I wasn't good enough for him to love and accept; he will never get how difficult it has been to "find" my brother and sister and yet feel like a stranger because our lives have been so different and so distant.  My father will never see through my eyes and see how I looked up to him and how much I adored him growing up, he will never hear the distant whispers of where are you dad? when I was hurt and alone; or hear about the dreams of seeing him come to take me away from the pain of living with my mother.  He will never "get" the pain of being ridiculed and ostrasized by society and then again by him for saying I am gay.  They will NEVER get it because it was my experience and it is my pain that I carry and live with every day.

My friend Chris will never get how much it hurt to be pushed aside once again by someone I cared about and thought cared about me; she will never really feel what it's like to told you are just not good enough, or behave just right enough to really count.  She will never get how much it hurt to have someone I considered a sister just throw me away.  And, she will never get the pain, anger, and loss of words at being reeled back in again with promises of friendship to once again be thrown out there without even an explanation.  She will never get what is like to live each day with bipolar disorder trying to just keep my sanity; she will never get how I see and feel through this world is totally different from what she expects of me, what is the norm.

Yep, I decide to look and feel about things as though I were pretending to be healed and to have been delivered from pain and loss; I pretend every day.  I live to just make it back to my house with my two cats where I actually feel safe and loved.  I make it each day by resolution rather than by chance or by healed emotions or thoughts.  I make it because I pray and because I keep thinking and growing toward the point where it will become my reality. That is  - a sense of peace -

Carmen