Catt39's Journal

Well, I've been at the domestic abuse shelter for almost two months now.  There are many things I love about being here:  no bills to pay, food and nonfood is provided, I'm safe, lots of people to talk to when i need to, my kids are happy.  But the things I don't like are:  being here 24/7...kinda gettin cabin fever....we are on the edge of town and I don't have a car, so going anywhere is a major challenge.  Very, very good news...I got TANF (cash) from public aid without having to work for it or report....I applied through the Domestic Abuse Exclusion Act.  I had to fight for it and it took me a week longer than it should have because my local public aid office had never heard of it, so first i had to prove to them it existed, then fill out tons of paperwork, and just kept on em til I got it.  VICTORY!  That made me feel good.  I still have to fill out tons of job apps for the shelter, or else they don't extend your stay....but that's ok.  I am very nervous about working....because of my panic attacks and the fact that I will have to walk to work no matter how far from the shelter it is.  That is another prob i have with shelter (transportation is a big problem, especially for those of us who come here with no vehicles).  I haven't met any men while I've been here, although I have been tempted.  I had to dump so real life friends because they had no faith in me about being able to go without a man....thought it was quite rude that they were taking bets to see how long I could go.  I have BPD, so I have a fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, basically I'm addicted to having a guy in my life as a drug addict would be addicted to their drug of choice.  The "friends" I dumped couldn't get that through their heads and be kind and supportive. 

I switched from Remron to Lexapro four days ago.  The remron made me feel numb/dead....this lexapro makes me hyper and a bit more anxious, but I have a shelter staff person who is working with me on proper diet and she says it will help, so I'm willing to give anything (within reason, lol) a try, so we'll see how that goes.  I think it makes me anxious cause I'm not used to having any energy at all.  Not only has my mental disorders robbed me of it, the remron did too........so I am pretty sure once I've taken the lexapro for a few weeks that will get better.  The first two days I took it I only slept 4-5 hours a night, so at least that's gone and I'm sleeping now.  It's when I first wake up that's the hardest....the second my eyes open I feel real anxious and literally jump out of bed and go do something to distract myself.