Mitebsyco's Journal

I have thought about it many times within the last month or two and it has come to my attention again that it seems as though all my close friends that live around me are drifting away in some form.  I seem to have also become more reclusive, although, I don't always want to just stay in.  A lot of the times, I just can't get any plans made because everyone is busy.

I hate having to depend on other people.  I've said it multiple times in the past on here and elsewhere.  I have the state of mind where I want to be independent but it is impossible without transportation.

Back onto the friends drifting away...  Up until a few months back, I had plans every other Friday with the friends I moved into this apartment complex with.  But, we suddenly stopped going.  Another friend, who is having huge money issues, I've had plans with and paid for gas each time, which is fine with me.  I've also helped her by giving her a few bags of food when her foodstamps suddenly got cut off due to their computer systems having a huge error.  I couldn't take her anything.  I had no money at the time to give, so I gave what I had.  Let's call this friend J.  My friend who is here now from Florida met J last time she was here.  She told me before that she got a vibe off J that J didn't like her much for whatever reason.  She got the vibe much stronger this time.  Not ten minutes after we got back in town, we both got snapped at for laughing and having fun.  J said the next day that she realized her nerves were shot, but didn't know why.  On Saturday, while we were on the way to The Church for Halloween, we were already running late.  J was giving us a ride there and we handed over gas money at the amount that she quoted with no questions or resistance.  It seemed like that night was just one of those nights/days where just about every little thing goes wrong.  Went by the Jack in the Box down the street from my place and they were out of the only thing I get, so we went to one that was on the way.  The next thing I realize is that we're just sort of wandering around, almost aimless to find a sonic in a place J was not familiar with.  For about ten, maybe twenty minutes, we were going almost in circles to find a sonic that J was certain was in the area.  She wanted corn dogs that sonic had.  It seemed odd to me and my friend from Florida.  J was planning on going to an all night party also, and she was wanting to get a ton of corn dogs from this sonic to put in the freezer once she got home.  All I was thinking is "We're already late, and those things are going to go bad..."  It seemed rather stupid to me and to my friend from Florida to wander around like that when we all had certain times to be at certain places.  When we finally found the sonic, J just tinkers around with little things in the car for a minute or two.  (Side note: J has always been bad about tinkering with the little things and hesitating about tiny things that don't really make that much difference, at least in my mind, during hurried times since I've known her.)  J's girlfriend had to sort of poke at her and tell her to hurry up and push the button to order.  She finally did, and they had none of the corn dogs that we wandered around for.  At that point, I was a bit irritated and stomped my foot on the floor of her car in the back seat, and let out a loud sigh of frustration.  We finally get to The Church and a bit after we get there, I realize I have a text waiting from J.  It said "Don't throw a temper tantrum in my car when I do all for you."  The wandering around, I had gotten over at that point.  I was just thinking "Ok, we're finally here, whew..."  That part upset me because it seemed to me like J was trying to present herself as some sort of saint, and as better than me and better than my friend.  It seems to me that there are definitions that are somehow mixed up in J's mind.  She tells people that she's doing a friend a favor when she's getting paid to run them around or something along those lines.  The phrase, "Do all for you," makes it sound like I have never done anything for her and just take, take, take, with no thought of ever giving, which couldn't be further from the truth.

I realize I do get very excited about going to The Church, and sometimes lose track of others' needs or wants.  I try to sort of warn people beforehand if I plan on going with them, and I try to make up for it afterward, because I do get to feeling guilty about it.  It's the only place I ever get like that, but it's also the only place that I sort of feel free enough to run to the dance floor and dance for hours.  It's also the only place that I leave feeling really great and keep feeling great for weeks more.  It's my therapy.  I found something that works for me.  It's just difficult to get there, so when I do get there, I get a bit overexcited.

I got a call from J last night, asking how we were doing.  I attempted to try to see what went wrong and try to resolve things and get past them.  She said we were too loud, and that I'm different when this friend is around.  J said that her girlfriend also agreed I acted different compared to the first time she met me.  The thing about comparing me at this point, when I have a friend I don't see often that I really get along with, really well to the time when she first met me isn't even worth a comparison of that sort.  When I first meet someone, I am very quiet.  I keep to myself most times, anyway.  I guess I take time to come out of my shell with new people, which is the same for a lot of people.  Each time I brought up how J said she was stressed, J would say that her huge amount of stress had nothing to do with how she acted or reacted.  It was all turned back on us, which also upset me.  I've dealt with a good friend going into this "lala mode" sort of thing, and it's not that great.

Another person I consider to be a good friend seems to be unintentionally avoiding me again.  It seems to happen every time he gets into a relationship.  After texting, calling, IMs, emails, all sorts of different modes of communication, and not hearing anything back, I got to the point where I sent a text saying something along the lines of :  I get the feeling I'm being avoided.  If so, I would rather be told so I can stop trying to get in touch.  If I get no answer, I'll take it as a hint and go on with things without bothering you.

That time he answered, saying he had just been very busy.  Not sure why that got an answer and none of the others did.

Another friend that is in the process of moving here, that I had high hopes of hanging out with, I don't hear much from now.  Although, that could very well be due to medical reasons because she injured herself and has to have scar tissue cut out, so I don't think I'm going to count her within this drifting list.  Although, it doesn't take away from the fact that it sort of adds to the whole feeling. 

It seems the majority of my friends are way too far to really hang out with often, unless massive plans are made in advance.  Like my friend from Florida that is here now.  She is also experiencing this drifting feeling.  I have friends all over the place that I talk to almost daily, but they're too far away to do much of anything beyond just that.

Did I mention I really don't like having to depend on others?

[Edit]:  So, earlier, it occurred to me that maybe J is jealous of the relationship I have with my friend from Florida.  We seem to be on the same page a lot and thinking almost the same things at almost all times.  J has had a very large crush on me since we met and has since realized that there will be nothing more than friends.  J also said that I was very immature around my friend from Florida.  That usually I am more mature.  When I asked what J meant by this, she had no more to say than that I was "a lot different."  J has always been very depressed since I met her.  I used to be.  I don't like that spot.  The only two conclusions I was able to come up with are that she is jealous or think that somehow maturity goes hand in hand with being unhappy and depressed.  Either way, I don't want to deal with those types of conditions.