wypy's Journal

I had anxiety before bed last night. Bad heart pains and I was shaking with chills but no fever.  This seems connected to my husband’s behavior.  When he is happy and kind to us, we are all happy.  When he begins to cycle into rage, we all get thrown off and display various behavior and psychological problems.

He started off saying he was annoyed.  The kids were excited to see him.  The past few weeks have been so good and so fun with him. But today he said he was annoyed and angry.  When the kids tried to talk to him he scolded them and said he wanted to be left alone.  He scolded me for not getting enough done during the day. If I asked him a question it was met with name calling and cursing.  I was told I deserved it for asking the question.

Along with his cycles of kindness and rage, seems to come cycles of responsibility and poor hygiene.  When he is being kind he showers and brushes his teeth and has a desire to improve our state of living.  When he begins to rage he eats and wears shoes on the bed and leaves crumbs on the sheets, pees on the toilet seat, and things of that nature.

But that is all his problem; my problem is how I cope with it, I suppose.  I am not even sure it is 100% related to him, but yesterday he happened to begin to cycle back into anger and I happened to cycle back into physical pain and anxiety.

When I came to bed he woke up with a start and began to curse at me saying I woke him.  As I laid there, my heart hurt and I started to shake with chills.  I was very afraid and I decided to lay on the couch with the television on.  I was not sure I would ever get warm. 

I did fall asleep and was woken up a few hours later when I heard the baby crying and my husband screaming at him to “shut up.”  I brought him onto the couch with me.  He continued to wake up through the night mostly calling out for his sister and his dad.  He seemed to be having nightmares.  He’s too young to have nightmares.

At one point, we managed to fall into a deep sleep squished together on the couch.  I dreamt that a baby shower was being planned for me, a late one for my son, who is almost two.  Only my husband’s family and friends would be attending though. I was hoping we’d get a new vacuum for some reason.

Through the fuzziness of this dream I somehow came to some water and Jesus was standing in it. I knew it was him, but I couldn’t focus enough to really see him.  So I imagined him as a hard as I could the way he appears in most artwork.  When I was able to hold the image of this in my mind I dared to try and look upon him again but his face was pure light.  Even when he turned his head to look at others I saw the light of him shining onto their faces and they’d block their eyes from the rays.  I don’t have much problem looking at the sun, never have but this light was so strong I had to divert my eyes.

The question was posed whether I wanted to be saved.  Could I accept myself, could I find myself deserving?  I could and I did.  He pushed me into the water, about as deep and as warm as a bath and my body began to convulse uncontrollably.  It felt almost like a really long orgasm, a shaking sensation out of my own realm of control, but there was nothing sexual about it.  I had the thought that things were being “fixed.”

I saw my mother after this.  I was being very careful not to talk about what had just happened.  I did not want to say in front of everyone what I was thinking.  If they knew they’d say I was crazy.  But in my mind I was singing “Rejoice for this is a day the lord hath made!”  My mother, in her usual fashion, was crying and being melancholy.  She was asking me for help over and over, but I have stopped offering it now.  Finally I did tell her the answer was God.  And she who had always instilled a fearful Christian upbringing, who had frightened me into religion, was doubtful and asked. “But is that really it?”

I told her to ask Jesus to save her.  I thought this would please her as she was so upset when I started exploring other religions.  Her words were always to follow the Christian way even if you don’t believe “just in case” it is right, so you’re covered.  She is so full of fear.

But she refused to allow herself to be saved.  She refuses to say she deserves it.  She refuses to give up her own shame.

When I awoke from this dream it was still quite dark.  I felt good but told myself I should be afraid, because I may now surely die.  I fell back to sleep and saw an older man surrounded by cars he was working on. He had just watched my dream and asked me, “Am I dead?”

And I awoke again this time to my husband yelling from the bedroom that the alarm had gone off.  I positioned the baby comfortably on the couch and covered him and ran upstairs to wake my daughter for school.  I sang to her softly and kissed her cheek.  I told her that today was a beautiful day made just for her.  I did not say what was really playing in my mind, “Rejoice for this is the day the Lord has made.”