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loveurlife2010 
it has been a really really really long time since i have been here. i have gone over roads that many where wise enough to bypass and seen myself through almost every lens out there. i am a new woman. i am a new me. i don't think i have ever been here before but if feels soooo good. don't get me wrong, my days don't go by without a hitch but my way of thinking has done a 180 and i have control over my life, for the most part. about one year ago i kicked Ed out the door, took his key and left no way for him to find his way back to me, my life or my thoughts.
i have found a new confidence that i didn't ever think i would be able to have. it is absolutely amazing how much extra time i have now that my mind is not completely consumed by food, calories, carbs, what i am going to eat, when i am going to eat, and if i was going to be "good or bad". it feels as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and a new way a thinking and new happiness has found its way into my life.
my spiritual life however is at a standstill and i can not let this continue to go on. there is a void in my life that i wish to fill and soon. God is the one who allowed me and helped me to kick Ed out of my life. without him i would have never found that type of strength.
For the past three days, i have binged at least once, all planned of course. I go to the store, waste money on food i don't even really want, its the temptation. the rush of buying the food. It doesn't even taste good! This is so frustrating. I don't want this life. I don't want to constantly think about food. But it always seems to rule over every thing. Any other addiction you can just give up. But food, ahhh food, this addiction goes much much deeper then trying to escape from reality for a moment. This has festered for a long while, a long long time; eating away at the inner core of who i am. It has picked away at my heart, my mind, my body; it has added unreal pictures of who i should be and thoughts of loneliness forever if i hang on to him. Ed has preoccupied my time for almost 8 months now and his rent is way over due. He has taken my life and i want it back, i want it back now! but how.... how do i take something back that i am not really sure i ever had a good grip on to begin with. How can escape something that fuels my day, something that is around every corner, every sign, advertised 24/7. how....?
Comments
i ate all day!!! i was home alone, and all i could think about was food. i tried to sleep for a little bit but then i felt sluggish. i hate this! i hate that food has taken over my life. i dont even know who i am anymore, what i do know is that i don't like who i have become
Comments
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hey there, sounds like you've had abit of a rough day, how are you feeling now, remember be gentle on yourself it always seems worse than it is, it neva to late to start getting beta and back on track.. I'm here if you need to talk
Past Entries
| May 2007 |
Wednesday, 5/09
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Wow you really said it all right here -- I am exactly the same way and how you put it - is exactly what I have been trying to understand. I am here for you to if you need me!!!!
Round4forme
NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! NEVER WATCH TV NEVER READ!LOL no truth is there isnt a easy way out with food if it was an acohol addiction (well u can live without alcohol unless yyour david hasselhof) sorry im sarcastic! u need food to live u need to find the trust with food again!take care and if u ever want to talk to a sarcstic person im here!
calamityjane
I have the same binging problem. Yesterday I was hungry and insted of eating something that was good for me I went to McDonalds and about 20 minutes after eating it I got the worst stomach ach. Thats when I decided to change. I know it's hard believe me. I'm only 22 and I've had some problems in my life that have caused me to gain weight. Not only the fact that it runs in my family, but I'm an emotional eater and any time I'm in a sad or angry mood I eat. Just hang in there things will get better. Hope you feel better soon.
sumjoy84