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mari3333 
10:41am, October 11, 2008
goddamanit I didnt realize how hard it would be this yr. its getting harder.
I will be glad when this day is over.
Im letting balloons go with cards with Joey on them, asking on the card that whomever recieves the card show an act of kindness and compassion in Joeys name.
Joey show me something, kiddo. let me know how you are.
Cant wait to be with you my sweet baby
frog kisses from momma
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actually how I feel is this
'fuck you god whatever you are, just, fuck you.'
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I am so sorry for your rage ....it is part of this ..this ...whatever you want to call it. I know it very well. I hope you can get past the hating God part. How about hating satan...he is behind all of this. It is the bad that is responsible for death...not the good....not God. I could feel the way you are feeling now but I don't...I am angry at God for not intervening but not forever....I loved my son as much as you love yours and yet, I don't think I owe it to God to stay mad at Him. How can you be mad at something you don't believe in anyway?
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I understand, but am in a different place with my "god".....a place of not understanding a darn thing I used to think I understood. A place of not understanding what or if God is. I no longer hate "him" because I no longer am sure there is "him". Neither can I hate "satan"......what/who is "he". I do hate the circumstance. I do hate that Kala is no longer in the flesh with me. I do hate sometimes that I still am walking this earth. I do hate the empty chair, the empty parking spot, the empty room, the quietness left behind. But "god", I'm just so unsure.......
No matter what "I" am feeling or believing in this moment though, it doesn't change how you feel or believe. And I love you and support you no matter what. I'm angry with you. I'm anger for you. Joey should never have left as he did. It's unfair and it's pure torture for a mothers soul. I understand, and I care. Always, Teri.
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Yes I questioned God for a long time after my Bobby died, but I am like Teri I am at peace knowing that someday I will see my son again. I don't care for how things have went in my life but I know that without my God I would be so much worse off than I am now. So I will pray that you find some peace with the journey that you are traveling...LOve & hugs, Connie
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I re read my post here and want it made clear about my last statement....I DO believe in God...I have been mad at him and have felt betrayed by Him since my son died...I can't deny the very Creator who brought this wonderful child into my life. I have been blessed for nearly 29 yrs. with the presence of this gift and am filled with a lifetime of memories....I guess I could go on and continue to be mad but I feel that it would upset my son who is already with the God I taught him about and he would never choose to leave that place to return here...to a suffering world that is sinking further and further....my hope is to join him...not for him to join me. I am just sharing not condemning...these are my thoughts and beliefs that give me some kind of peace in this chaotic unfair life and because it does...I would like for others to know about it. That's all.
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I hear your pain and I am so sorry..
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I know your pain and felt as you do at one point, but this pain is more than I can handle alone. I 'relented' and prayed for God's help. I had to.
Perhaps you will do the same. I am not sorry I did.
No human can ease this pain. This is the time to ask for God's help. Your son's passing was not God's will!
Wishing you peace,
Susannah
I realize that grief is only my ego interpreting that joey doesnt exist by worldly standards and rules. I am dumping those rules, I will dump them all and be aware of the fact that Joey always is, always has been and always will be. Just like everything else. Nothing I have been taught is true, there is no Newtonian system of material objects. Nothing is solid, nothing is anything but a perception we have of solidity in objects that are actually light. everything is made of light. we project a perception that they are solid. Scientists confirm this. Joey exists, but I have to see him in a different way, the essence of Joey, the essence of me, the essence of everything has nothing to do with a solid object that Joey once inhabited (the body). Joey was not his body and I am not my body. There is a great mistake in thinking we are our bodies. we might as well look in our closets and think our winter coats are our bodies, thats how silly it is.
I still have an issue with whatever the hell god is. who knows? If its anything like the people I have met who have had near death experiences tell me, it sounds like a pretty cool thing. But I think it has a lot to learn when it comes to creating THIS particular dimension. this dimension, with its drama and bullshit, is a pain in the ass. Maybe this dimensional perception is hell. anyway, it feels like it.
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That you for sharing.. this is very interesting and something to think about.. love to you..
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Love to you my friend... I hope you found some peace on his angel day...
munrogirl