krisrose's Journal

two hours ago i had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. sre i've had some anxiety since the illness began, but that all seems like humorous neurosis compared to what i felt earlier tonight. i used to have really bad ones back when i lived with my mother, back when i was 15 and felt trapped and helpless and crazy. Well this morning after failing to wake up from my alarm, dave called me from work. I rolled over with a sense of guilt at still being in bed when i had wanted to try and go back to work today. I felt the familiar morning stiffness as i forced myself into a sitting position on my bed. no sooner had i done this than i opened my eyes to find it was thirty minutes later. one fifteen in the afternoon and barely able to keep my eyes open. i took my morning dose of methadone. 20mg seems like so much yet does so little lately. Two hours later and its still hard to get out of bed. i call dave once again to let him know at least i made it to semi-consciouness this time. he tells me he won't be home for a few more hours and my heart sinks. i try and boost myself up with the thought of getting out to buy coffee. getting dressed was a slow and rather unfufilling process. overalls that i thought would make me feel comfortable only made me feel huge when they failed to yeild to my ever growing sides. not to mention the bulky sweater i refused to take off lest i be exposed to one whole minute of cold air on my bare arms and back. rather than looking casually ill and adorable, i looked mentally ill and uncomfortable.